Mystery

Unanswered question:
Was it love or was it lust?
Guess we'll never know.

Music Monday

Music Monday

What a surprise!

I had a a great birthday celebration today!

I was able to celebrate with almost all of my immediate family -- we missed you E and N!  

I chose a really good restaurant for lunch!  Butcher and the Burger was excellent and everyone liked what they ordered.  K said that the French fries were the best she had ever had.  Pretty sure we will go back to try more burgers and custard.

Birthday dessert was delicious -- a canelé and passion fruit tartlet with whipped cream and lime zest.

I am getting an awesome birthday gift.  My husband, daughters and son-in-law went together to get me a ukulele!  How cool is that?  I'm a little nervous that I won't be able to learn how to play it, but there are several string instrument musicians in the family, so I should be able to get help when I need it.

Growing older isn't necessarily much fun, but this birthday was great!  : )

It's just not the same

Tomorrow is my birthday.  Not a "significant" birthday -- that will come next year, Lord willing.

I remember the anticipation and excitement I used to feel as my birthday approached.  The zenith of positive birthday fever was probably reached sometime in junior high or high school.  Since then, it's been a steady decline to the.inevitable nadir that lurks ahead.

I haven't totally given up hope for a resurgence of happy feelings.  Maybe if I live long enough to qualify as a senior citizen and experience my second childhood (without the unpleasant memory loss issues) I may recover the joy of marking the passage of another year.

Maybe.  

Long day, fun day

M took Amtrak from West Lafa to Chicago.  I took Metra from Wheaton to Chicago.  I think M had the better deal.

My train was full of Cubs fans with a smattering of Cardinals fans thrown in for a good measure of rivalry.  My train also was "blessed" with a not very nice ticket taker.  : /   Unfortunately for me, this man chose to share his not very niceness with me.  : //   I, in turn, didn't respond very well.  : /// 

I'm happy to say that once I met up with M, my day was exponentially better.  First we went to the French Market and had something to eat -- breakfast for me and lunch for her.  Then we walked up to State Street and shopped at H&M, the new Target, DSW, and Forever 21.  M got a lacy black tee shirt and a gray dress that will be perfect for grad school interviews.  I got to help M make good choices. 

After shopping we rested -- my feet and M's back -- at Magnolia Bakery.  Mmmm, cupcakes and lemon bars.  : )   Finally we walked around the corner to Argo Tea.  E and N gave me an Argo gift card for my birthday last year and I had enough money left on the card to treat M and me to ice tea.  We relaxed and studied GRE words with M's flash cards while we waited for G to pick us up.

Initially I had planned to get my hair cut and highlighted today, but spending the day with M was much more fun.  : )

Thankful Thursday

It has been sooo hot lately.  The humidity hasn't been awful.  But when the temperature is almost hotter than the face of the sun, even a little bit of humidity is oppressive.

When the weather is as challenging as it's been these past few weeks, air conditioning is a must.  I can't imagine people who manage to live through a midwestern summer without it.  Oh, wait . . . I can, because we don't have central air at our house.  : /   

Thankfully we have a small window unit that we are able to use in our family room.  And also thankfully, my desktop computer is located in the family room! That qualifies as a win-win.  : ) 

I may not be so thankful when I get our next electric bill, but at least when I open the family room door, the air is blissfully cool.  

Storms

We desperately need rain.  Today was the 29th day in a row of above average temps.  It has been hotter than hot and most of the state is in severe drought.

What we don't need is another storm. 

Tuesday morning a derecho blew through.  This is at least the second one this summer.  The first one was July 1 when G and I were in Virginia.  We came home to find a very large part of one of our parkway trees laying parallel to the curb, almost the entire width of our property.  The wind gust that took down our tree was estimated at a minimum of 60 mph.  In our one remaining tree in the backyard we also have a large, partially cracked limb that's just waiting for a big wind to bring it completely down.  Depending on the direction of the wind, the limb could possibly take out the power and cable wires when it falls.  *sigh*

I'm not a big fan of rain, but I would be thrilled to have a gentle, steady, slow, soaking rain overnight for the next few nights.  Sadly what it seems we'll be getting is another storm.

Judge not lest you be judged

I have a friend who makes every attempt to be extremely non-judgmental.  She will often say that she can't judge or that it's not her place to judge -- and she's absolutely right in what she says.

I, on the other hand, struggle with making comments that come across as judgmental.  Even if it's totally not my intention to pass judgment, my remarks often have a tone or language that can be interpreted as judgmental.  I'm not sure how to get around that.  Should I start every statement with, "I'm not judging . . ."?  Somehow that intro sounds as if there's a "but" lurking not too far away.

This whole issue of judging/not judging came up in an e-mail exchange I had with my friend this evening.  In discussing a celebrity, I said he was good-looking, but I was pretty sure he was a "bad boy."

My friend responded by saying that she really didn't know him and it wasn't her call.

Very true.  Neither one of us know this man.  I've seen him perform, but that in no way qualifies me to have any insight into his character or the type of person he is when he's not on stage.  My friend saw him perform briefly today at her place of employment.  I doubt her powers of discernment were any keener than mine.

My friend's e-mail response took me by surprise because I felt as if she was scolding me for judging this man with my "bad boy" comment.  I thought I had made a light remark; I certainly wasn't trying to hand down a definitive ruling on his nature and morality.  I suppose, when I thought about it longer, I could be considered guilty of having made a throw-away comment that wasn't well thought out.  But I certainly didn't think I was guilty of slander or defamation of character.

Strangely enough, what did I feel when I read my friend's response?  I felt judged.  My so very careful not to judge friend, by her statement that it wasn't her call to judge this entertainer, made me feel as if she thought that I thought it was my call to judge him.  Her remark to me seemed to have an undertone that said, "well, I would never do that, but if you feel that it's okay for you to do that, then who am I to tell you that you're wrong? . . . but in my opinion, you're wrong."

I really don't think my friend intended to communicate a sense of superiority in her ability to rise above the temptation to judge, but that's the message that I received. Does the fault lie with my friend and the way in which she stated her thoughts or did I read her message with a predisposition to finding bias or judgment.  Bottom line -- my friendship with this woman is too important to me to dwell on whether or not she was subtly getting in a dig at me for my unintended swipe at this celebrity's moral compass.   

Ultimately any judgment we render on this earth will be meaningless.  God is our Judge.  Each one of us will have to face the LORD on the final day of judgment, and His assessment, His verdict will be the only one that will count. 

Music Monday

Al Green.  'Nuf said.

Be sure your sin will find you out

The scripture in the title is from Numbers 32:23.

Stepping outside of the comfort zone (with a Thankful bonus)

I stepped outside of my comfort zone today -- I returned my friend M's phone message, agreeing to meet her at the Panera near my home.  Little did I know that her dad and younger brother would be with her also.  But that was okay.

In fact it was better than okay.  Our visit was comfortable and we pretty much did pick up where we left off nine years ago.

M looks much the same as I remembered her looking the last time I saw her.  Perhaps she is thinner.  I felt she looked almost aggressively thin.  She didn't look bad, but she looked more wrinkled than I would have expected given our age.  However, M is a physical education teacher in the southwestern United States, so even with sunscreen use, she has had way more sun exposure than I have.  She mentioned her wrinkles and I assured her that the reason I didn't have too many was because fat helps to plump up your skin and discourages wrinkles.  I told M that if I had my choice, I would choose to have some wrinkles instead of a fat face (and ankles and thighs and upper arms and you get the idea).

I'm glad that I set my pride aside and got together with M.  Who knows when she might be back in Illinois and there is almost no chance that I will be traveling to Arizona anytime soon.  I'd like to think that maybe I will be thinner the next time I see her, but that is an unlikely possibility.  I know I made the right decision to see M now instead putting off meeting in hopes that I might look better at a future date.

In a belated Thankful Thursday expression: I'm thankful that M is the same easy-going, accepting friend that she has always been and I'm thankful that I trusted my instinct that meeting her would be a positive, and even fun, experience.  My fears of being judged for my lack of self-control were unfounded.  M knows me -- the me I was when we were first friends in grade school, and the me that I've continued to be through high school, college, marriage, and motherhood.  I'm thankful that we can still call each other friend.

Vanity, thy name is (ab)normal

After a few days in Decatur, I came home to a message on the answering machine from a childhood friend.  M lives in Arizona, but, at the moment, she is visiting her sister who lives in a suburb about half an hour away from my house.  M was calling to see if we could get together while she was in Illinois.

My husband listened to M's message.  He was excited when he came in to the family room to tell me that she had called, and I know that he expected me to be excited too.  But I wasn't.

I can't remember exactly when I last saw M.  I know for sure that I saw her in July or August of 2003, but I might have seen her more recently.  In 2003 M's boys would have been 11 and 9.  Now her oldest is starting his junior year in college and her youngest will start college in the fall. 

A lot has happened in the intervening nine years since our probable last meeting and it would be nice to catch up, but . . . I'm fat, and I know M isn't.

It's not as if I was skinny in 2003.  I was definitely heavier than I had been since the previous time we were together -- but I am really overweight now.  When I'm brutally honest, I will admit that I'm not just overweight, I'm obese.  And I am also honest enough to admit that I am a vain person.

M and I have been friends since grade school.  I doubt very much if she will think less of me because I've let myself go and, to borrow a phrase from my father, am "fatter than a hog."  Of course she will notice that I'm fat, and that my skin is horrible and my hair looks like crap, but it won't change the fact that we're lifelong friends -- friends that are amazingly able to pick right back up where we left off, even if it has been almost a decade since we've seen each other.

I need to call M tomorrow and let her know if I can meet her before she leaves Illinois.  If I say yes, I'll have to put my vanity aside and trust that my oldest friend will see and appreciate the person that I am inside, the (ab)normal that she's known since 2nd grade, and not be judgmental of my weight and other physical changes. 

I'm pretty sure that M can do that.  I'm just not sure whether I can be equally gracious to myself.       

Culture clash

The Amish vs. Meredith.

Saying good-bye

Yesterday was Monday, but there was no Music Monday post.  I thought since I had recently posted two music videos, I would step away from YouTube for a bit.  Plus, when I'm in Decatur with my parents, I try to take a break from the computer and concentrate on the time I have with them.

This morning I visited with GAR.  My mom dropped me off at her house when she stopped by to pick up the weekly grocery list.  GAR and I talked while my mom ran errands and picked up Honey Buns, chocolate milk, and Ensure.

GAR doesn't eat very much anymore.  She said today that it was because the weather has been so hot, but both my mom and I think it is because she has lost her will to live and she is slowly starving herself.  Today GAR told me she is ready to go to heaven and she wishes that God would hurry up and call her home.  She also said that she is lonely.

I really can't imagine how GAR feels.  She only has very limited vision in one eye, so she doesn't watch television and she can't read.  When her little dauchshund was still alive she at least had his companionship, but he has been gone for several years now.  Because of her blindness, she only leaves the house for doctor's visits a few times a year.  Even with almost daily visits from my parents and frequent phone calls from a few friends, her world has shrunk to the limits of a very small four room house. 

GAR didn't expressly say this, but I think she wonders what God's purpose is in giving her such a long life, especially when she isn't really able to do much.  I know she wonders why her husband was taken from her so unexpectedly, why she lost everything in Hurricane Charlie, why even her precious Doxie was taken from her.  Like so much else in life, there are no answers. 

But GAR has faith.  Today she told me that her mother told her that God would give her everything she needed, and if she didn't have it, she didn't need it.  In the course of her 94 years, God has seen her through some difficult times, and in this last difficult time in her life, He is still with her, still providing her with all that she needs.

Each time when I see GAR, I wonder if it will be the last time I visit with her.  I wonder if the next time I come to Decatur, it will be for her funeral.  When I say good-bye to her, I wonder if it will be the last time I hug her and hear her thank me for coming to talk with her.  I'm glad that I don't know which good-bye will be the final one.   

On the road again

M and I are going to Decatur tomorrow to visit with my parents.  We will also see GAR and probably a few other extended family members.  The weather is supposed to be hot, hot, hot, so I am definitely looking forward to spending several days in a blissfully cool home.  Yay for air-conditioning!  : )

I really am excited about seeing my family, especially since my dad wasn't able to make the trip to Virginia.  But at the same time, I feel as if I've spent almost the entire summer in a car traveling here, there, and everywhere.  I know that's not true, but from late April up till now, there have been several periods of intense bursts of travel.  Back in May I was facing my 4th weekend in a row away from home when I made the decision to cancel my plans so I could stay home and relax.

This three-day trip should be very low key.  The main purpose of the visit is for M to share her photos and experiences from her internship and adventures in Australia.  My dad was so worried about M's safety while she was gone.  He even asked the pastor at his church (an Australian native) to pray for her.  I know that he was relieved when she arrived home, and he will feel even better when he can see her and hug her for himself.

Even though I don't really want to spend six hours round-trip in the car, it will be good to be with my mom and dad.  I need to remind myself that a little bit of sacrifice on my part can yield a huge reward for all of us.        

Gospel Truth

I heard a great song on the way home from Target this evening.  I'd never heard this song before, but I love it and I know it will continue to run through my mind and I'll be singing it for a long time.

My childhood church was very traditional.  We sang hymns, especially classic hymns of the faith, some of which had a gospel flavor.  The church I call my home now utilizes very traditional worship music -- classical music by Bach, Mendelssohn, and Mozart, hymns by Wesley and Watts, and newer hymns by Townend and Getty.  Every once in a while the Chancel Choir will sing a gospel anthem, but nothing like the choir in this video.

The members of this choir express a joyful abandon as they surrender to the music, message, and worship of the Lord.  They've obviously rehearsed this piece, and they are clearly under the direction of the choir director and Norman Hutchins (on guitar), but there is the sense of a wonderful freedom and an exuberant personal conviction in the midst of their musical unity.

I would love to sing with this choir!  The congregation seems to be somewhat diverse, so I would hope that they would welcome a pale soprano to their body.  I can also identify with the sister who seems to be a beat or two off with her clapping.  My clap and snap rhythm isn't always the best, but my heart beats in sync with the right tempo.  : )

As great as the music is, the best part of this song is the message.  God's got a blessing with my (your) name on it!  Over and over and over, He has blessed me -- specifically and intentionally blessed me in ways that have met my needs exactly.  I worship a personal God who knows me intimately and blesses me uniquely.

Praise God!

 

When I have no words . . .

music speaks for me.

My family hates (with a passion) the popular film in which this piece was featured, but I love both the movie and the music.

Thankful Thursday

I am so thankful that M is home from Australia! 

She had a great (and safe) time during her eight weeks in Sydney.  While I was glad that M had a ton of fun, I was most impressed with how she handled some of the unexpected challenges that arose.  Additionally I was pleased with the commitment she showed to the special ed students at her internship.

M isn't a special ed major; she plans to go to graduate school and earn a Masters in Occupational Therapy.  Working with the students at Wairoa was definitely something she hadn't even had minimal training to do, but she embraced the task and grew really close to her class of 12th year boys.

I'm sure there were times that M was homesick (not so much for G or me, but for her bf, J) but she didn't mope around in her apartment at night or on the weekends.  M learned how to surf and scuba dive; she went on several self-guided coastline hikes along the eastern coast, and she explored different neighborhoods throughout Sydney.  I feel that she struck a good balance between living as an Australian resident and acting like an American tourist.  M even lamented that she wished she didn't stand out so much as an American and she attempted to blend in more with the culture in New South Wales.

I'm glad that M enjoyed her time in Sydney and I'm happy that G and I were able to provide her with the opportunity to study abroad.     

The lethargy continues

It wasn't especially hot or humid today, but for some reason I had absolutely no energy.

I got up, took my omeprazole, checked e-mail, and then was ready to go back to bed.  Basically I accomplished nothing today.

This evening we went to Front Street for dinner and a belated birthday celebration for Meredith.  I had a margarita and halfway through the drink, I was ready to lie down and take a nap on the bench.  Afterward we walked half a block to a wine shop and I thought I would never be able to walk back to the parking garage and climb the stairs to the second level.

I don't know what's wrong with me.  : / 

When I'm too tired to put up a fight

On the way home from Target tonight I was thinking about how tired I was -- physically tired, but also emotionally and mentally tired.  Being a mom to a college student is not for the faint of heart.  : /

Then I thought about a distant cousin (my aunt's stepdaughter, so not a blood relation to me) who is expecting twins . . . her first pregnancy . . . at age 46.  I can't begin to imagine how tired this woman will be after her babies are born at the end of this year.  But I really can't imagine how tired J will be when her "babies" are 21 and she's 67.

At almost 54, my 21 year old exhausts me to the point where I want to throw up my hands and say, "Fine, don't listen to me; don't learn from the wisdom I've gained because of the mistakes that I've made.  Don't listen to the Word of God and the instruction that it gives for godly living and the protection it provides from sin and spiritual death.  Do what you want and suffer the consequences."

But I can't say that because I love my daughter.  I care about what happens to her today and what will happen to her tomorrow and ultimately for eternity.  And despite how tired I am and how weary I am of standing up for what I know is unpopular, but true, I can't give up.

As I continued to drive, I heard something on the radio that convinced me that no matter what, I have to keep fighting for my daughter.  The speaker said that when we're tempted to give up, when we feel like we don't have any fight left, we need to remember that if we are a Christian, we are never alone, never by ourselves on the frontline with no back-up.  If we are standing against sin and fighting for righteousness, the Holy Spirit that dwells within us is also fighting along with us, supporting us when our human body and spirit starts to flag.

I needed to hear that word of encouragement.  On my own, I won't be able to be diligent and vigilant every moment in my interactions with M when she defends sinful behavior as little more than the status quo -- but I'm not on my own.  Just as the Holy Spirit intercedes for me when I don't know how to pray, the Spirit sustains, strengthens, and increases my faith and my resolve to honor the Lord in all I do.  God has entrusted M to me and G and He wants us to help her grow into a woman who loves Him, obeys Him, and honors Him in every area of her life.

As M's mom, I have an awesome responsibility, but I also worship an awesome God who is faithful to supply my every need.  I may be tired, but my God neither slumbers nor sleeps.  I can place my trust in Him to equip and enable me to complete the task he has called me to do.  

Music Monday

There was no Music Monday post last week due to internet difficulties I encountered in the wilds of Virginia.

If the post this Monday doesn't make you smile -- and dance -- there's probably something wrong with you.

Consider others better than yourself

Easy to say; hard to do.

Out of the fullness of the heart the mouth speaks

Judging by the things that came out of my mouth today, my heart is full of cr*p.

Waiting for the weather to change

It has been so hot lately that journalists and weathermen are beginning to run out of words to describe this oppressive and never-ending heatwave.

Today was the third day in a row with temperatures over 100 degrees.  It was officially 103, but once you get over 100, it really doesn't matter all that much.  Hot is hot.

M comes home tomorrow.  After eight weeks of Australian winter, our unseasonably warm summer is going to be a rude awakening for her. 

Fortunately we're supposed to have a slight cooling trend starting late tomorrow afternoon.  It can't come soon enough.  

Thankful Thursday

I talked with E this evening.  It was my first phone call with her from Virginia.  She sounded tired, but at least the reception was good.  E and N have cell phone service with a new carrier, so I wasn't sure how the call quality would be now that we're don't have different carriers.  Even though I last saw E on Tuesday morning, it was good to talk with her and hear what she and N and Penny have been up to for the last two days.

Looking over the past week, I have so much to be thankful for:

• safety for everyone on the drive to Virginia and the return drive to Illinois
• plentiful gasoline supply in spite of the power outages along our routes
• good weather on the road and while unloading the trailer
• relatively uneventful ride for Penny and a gradual but good adjustment to her new home
• family members that were willing to give up 4 days to help E and N move   
• harmony even in the midst of stress
• peace that E and N are exactly where God wants them to be

I surprised myself

When it was time to say good-bye to E and N, I didn't cry.  I didn't even get a little teary like I did when M left for Australia.  Surprisingly I also didn't hold the emotion in and then burst into tears a few miles down the road.

The only explanation I can come up with as to why I was able to keep my composure is answered prayer and a sense of peace.

Before the big day, I prayed that God would help me to not cry or, worse yet, sob when G and I said our final good-byes and got in the car and drove off, and thankfully, He was faithful to answer my prayer.  Additionally I felt convicted that E and N are where God has placed them. 

I have experienced this sense of conviction before when we left E at Hope for her first semester of college.  E was a little teary that Sunday afternoon after the Opening Convocation, but I wasn't.  In the morning, at the worship service in the chapel on campus, God gave me a peace about E's choice of Hope College for her undergrad degree.  He assured me that He had intentionally guided E to Hope and that He had good things planned for her in this place.

Likewise nine years later, over the course of the few days that we spent with E and N, helping them to settle into their new home in Virginia, God showed me that this is where He wants my daughter and son-in-law to live for the next year or two or three.

I was surprised I didn't cry, but God wasn't.  He had it all under control.  : )  

Through the wringer

The past few days have been crazy -- long car rides, a "signing" cat, power outages, gas shortages, insane heat, and the growing emotional weight of having to say good-bye to E and N on Tuesday morning.   I've been near tears several times, but I've managed to keep it together, mostly because there's been so much to do there hasn't been time to cry.

It is going to be hard to hug E one last time and have no idea when I will see her again.  I am afraid I won't be able to control my emotions and then E will cry (if she isn't already).

When she went to Europe with the foreign language classes in high school, I didn't cry.  When we left her at Hope to start her first semester of college, I didn't cry.  When she spent a summer in Austria and then worked at a camp in Michigan the next summer, I didn't cry.  And when she got married and we said good-bye to her before she and N left on their honeymoon, I didn't cry.  But this is different.  This is the first time that she will be living somewhere in the United States where I won't be able to make a three-hour drive to see her.

I know I need to make the most of the next day that we have together and not look beyond to the time we'll be apart, but it's hard to not let my mind run ahead.  I have to believe that God will give me the grace and wisdom to live in the here and now and trust Him for the moments to come.