Music Monday -- New Year's Eve

Even though this song describes an event on Christmas Eve, the title, Same Old Lang Syne, seems perhaps more suited to New Year's Eve.

I've always liked Dan Fogelberg, a Peoria native and popular artist from my high school and college days.  This song makes me wonder what it would be like to run into my high school boyfriend.  Would it be comfortable or awkward . . . or both?

New Year's Eve is seldom a happy celebration for me, but I hope it is for others.  Lift your glass and say goodbye to the year that was and welcome in the year that will be.  May God bless us all in 2013.

 

The last Sunday of 2012

I went to church today.  You might be thinking, "So what?  Today's Sunday; don't you go to church every Sunday?"

Well, yes and no.  I listen to church on the internet almost every Sunday.  I even listen to my own church's service which is broadcast over the internet, courtesy of the Christian college that is right across the street from the sanctuary building.  What I don't usually do is get up, take a shower, get dressed, and physically go to the sanctuary of my church for worship. 

There are several good and valid reasons why I worship via my computer.  And there are also some relatively lame reasons why I don't get up and haul my body into a pew.  I struggle with the tension between worshiping in person with the body of Christ (as one of the sermon series from this fall told me I should) and the comfort and peacefulness of worshiping in solitude.  This struggle is nothing new, but it has intensified as of late.

The sermon this morning was excellent.  While I enjoyed singing hymns and carols and the other aspects of corporate worship, I missed being able to take notes on my computer as I do when I'm at home.

Unlike Christmas Eve, when I all but sobbed during the service (especially during the music), today I was somewhat in control of my emotions.  There were several times when I had to stop singing or I chose to whisper or mouth the words to the songs rather than singing them out loud.

I wish I was able to keep my mind from wandering during the hymns.  I wish I could sing the words and not think too much about what they mean.  When my mind strays or I think too much, that's when the teary trouble begins.

This morning I thought about P, M's friend who committed suicide two weeks ago . . . two weeks ago today, on a Sunday morning . . . nine days before Christmas.  I thought about P's parents.  Were they in church this morning?  Were they able to sing and voice the responses of the Catholic liturgy?  Did tears stream down P's father's cheeks as he knelt to pray or received the Eucharist?  And what about P -- was he singing praises to God, worshiping in the very presence of Christ the Redeemer?  Oh, I pray that he was and that he will forever do so.                

Deja vu

It was deja vu all over again today. 

G and M got a Redbox DVD to watch tonight -- The Dark Knight Rises.

I spent the evening (after I washed the dinner dishes) in G's office, reading the book I started last night.  I finished the book, so if tomorrow is a repeat of yesterday and today, I will need to find a new book.

: //

Friday

I look forward to Friday all week long.  I guess most people do, especially people who work hard Monday through Friday.  As a kid I can remember asking my father what he wanted. His answer?  Four-thirty Friday.  My dad worked hard at manual labor; no wonder he looked forward to quitting time every Friday afternoon.

I don't work outside of my home and I rarely work inside of it.  So why do I have so much anticipation for Friday?  Because Friday is Bride Night on TLC.  I love watching Say Yes to the Dress, Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta, and the other assorted bridal-themed programs that TLC shows on Friday evenings.  The best Friday nights of all are the first and third of the month when G goes to church for Friday Night Fun with STARS, because then I have the house and the TV to myself.  Bliss.

This Friday was the 4th Friday of the month, no FNF, no quiet house, and even worse, no Bride Night. 

This Christmas break, M and her father have really bonded.  Unfortunately for me, they have bonded to unite against me.  Together they decided that they wanted to watch the weekly Netflix movie, which G usually watches on Saturday night, on Friday night instead.  G especially knows that Friday night is my night to control the TV remote, but he never even asked me if I would mind if he and M watched their DVD.  If we had more than just one TV, it wouldn't have even been an issue.  But we are sooo last century (last mid-century) and we do have only one television.

Feeling disrespected and with my Friday night plans disregarded, I did the dinner dishes and then retreated to G's office to read a book I received for Christmas.

So now I am looking forward to next Friday night.  M will be in the city with her older sister and G will be at FNF.  And I will be watching the television programs that I like to watch. Win, win, win.        

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful for lots of things -- serious things, frivolous things, basic, concrete things, and more nebulous, ethereal things.

On Sunday, my mother asked me if I would pray before we had dinner.  I wasn't expecting her request, so I was put a little bit on the spot.  But as is so often the case, especially when I haven't had time to prepare, God gave me the words to say.

I can't remember everything I said, but I know I expressed gratitude for time with family, delicious food, and thoughtfully chosen gifts.  There were probably some other items as well, such as health and safety in travels.  I didn't pray for the family members who were absent from our gathering because I knew I would cry if I said E and N's names.  It's hard for me to keep from crying when I pray aloud anyway, let alone when I'm praying for someone I love and miss very much.

The main emphasis of my prayer was to express thankfulness for the greatest gift anyone has ever been given, the gift of Jesus as Savior.  No other earthly gift, no matter how expensive or beautiful, can compare to God's life-giving gift of His Son.

I am so thankful that God sent Jesus to save me from my sins.  And I am thankful that the Word made flesh and the words of God in Scripture encouraged me to accept God's gracious gift to me.  I received many lovely gifts this Christmas, but the forever gift of Jesus will always be most precious to me.  

Christmas in Decatur

Our Christmas celebrations are over.  We had four Christmas present-giving occasions: the day after Thanksgiving in Decatur with E and N, in Kenosha on the 16th, on the 23rd in Decatur with my brother and sister-in-law, and this morning,Christmas morning, with my parents.  Each get together was a little different, but each was nice in its own way.  There were lots of thoughtfully chosen presents and delicious food.  There was also time with family -- sometimes warm and enjoyable and at other times uncomfortable and awkward.  That's how it is with family.  At least that's how it is with our family.

I've reached the stage in life (sandwich years) when I can't help but wonder if this might be my last Christmas with one or both of my parents.  Two of my cousins just celebrated their fourth Christmas without their mom.  I don't want to think of the day when there will be an empty place at the head or the foot of the table that has seen so many Christmas (and other holiday) dinners, going all the way back to my mother's childhood years on the family farm.      

Music Monday

There was too much going on yesterday to do a Music Monday post, so here's a Merry Christmas Music Monday/Tuesday video.  This is some of the happiest music from my childhood.  : )

Merry Christmas everyone!

I should have known

I should have been suspicious when my husband told me one thing, but told my daughter another.  Why would he tell me he was picking her up at 9:00am., but tell her he would be at her apartment at 8:00am.?

When I asked him about it, he said that he thought I wanted to leave for my parents' house as soon as possible.  Well, yes, I would like to leave sooner rather than later.  But while he was taking his morning run, drinking his coffee, watching television, relaxing, and enjoying his ritual Saturday night Netflix, popcorn and beer, I was making candy, doing dishes, delivering candy, shopping, wrapping presents, and writing Christmas cards.  He went to bed at nine o'clock last night; I went to bed at three-thirty this morning.  What I'd really like to do is sleep just a little more than four hours.  : //

And then it dawned on me . . . the real reason he wanted to leave ASAP.  Not so we could get to Decatur sooner and have more time to spend with my mom and dad.  Not so we could be there to help my mom get ready for Christmas dinner with my brother and sister-in-law this evening.  No.  The real reason he wanted to skip church, hop in the car and race to Decatur was so he could watch the Bears, a loser team going nowhere in the postseason.

Merry Christmas.   

Frustration

If the letter for yesterday was F for flexibility, today was F for frustration.  ugh.

I made toffee to give as gifts . . . the chocolate popped off of the toffee and I was left with tasty, but naked candy.

I returned two items at TJ Maxx and waited more than a half an hour in two separate lines.  Why can you buy jewelry at the regular checkout, but you can only return it at the jewelry counter?  Makes no sense to me.  I can't imagine how horrible it would have been if I'd waited until after Christmas to make my returns.

G and I have totally different communication styles.  I communicate; he does not.  However, the man who never talks to me has suddenly become quite the conversationalist with our daughter.  Several times today I was saying something and he started a conversation with M, oblivious to the fact that I had been trying to talk to him.

I made very little progress on my Christmas cards.  The three (whoopee) cards that I mailed today may or may not be delivered on Christmas Eve.  Everyone else will receive their cards late.  I suppose I can blame my tardiness on a letdown after the end of the world that wasn't.

G told me we would leave for Decatur tomorrow at ten o'clock in the morning.  He told everyone else we would leave at nine.  Guess who won't be ready to go at nine?

I still need to buy a few presents . . . at stores that I've already shopped at two or three times this week.  : /

I am so tired, I think I could sleep for at least 12 hours straight.  If I'm lucky I will be able to sleep for 6 hours tonight.

Flexibility

I like to think that I'm a pretty flexible person.  But the reality is I'm not really all that flexible.  I don't react well to sudden changes or demands and I'm much happier if I know exactly what's going to happen and when -- well in advance. 

So, a few days before Christmas, I wasn't exactly thrilled to be asked to give up time that I had planned to use to grocery shop, make candy, wrap presents, and finish my Christmas cards.  But when a good friend asks you to take her to the hospital for a procedure, it's hard to refuse, no matter how many tasks need to be completed. 

Thankful Thursday

Well, it's finally winter, with a vengeance.  We don't have a lot of snow, but before the temperature dropped, we got over an inch of rain, so everything is slick and icy, and it is super windy.  : //  

K asked M if she would like to come with her to her office Christmas party this evening at WhirlyBall in Chicago.  M wanted to go, but it meant she would have to drive in to the city at rush hour, right when the storm was supposed to hit.  Plus M had gotten sick to her stomach earlier in the day -- she said she felt fine now, but I was concerned about what might happen if she got sick again.

Thankfully, the evening went well.  M didn't have any problems driving and she felt well enough to have some veggie pizza for dinner and play whirlyball.  K and M don't often do things together (or even get along all that well at times) so I was happy that K extended the invitation and M accepted.  I love it when my daughters enjoy spending time with each other.  : )

Struggling

This is a difficult time for me.  I'm: trying to clear out a house in a short amount of time, worrying if the house sale will actually go through, adjusting to having an adult child in our home again, working through grief over the suicide of a classmate/friend of one of my daughters, and dealing with seasonal depression and envy.

In short, I'm a mess.  I have the majority of my Christmas presents wrapped, but I still need to buy presents for some people.  I have Christmas cards and photos, but I need to put the two together and get them in the mail.  I know what cookies and candy I want to make to give to a few friends, but I'm not sure if I have all of the necessary ingredients and I'm not sure when I'm going to find the time to make these treats.

I can totally relate to that old commercial where the frazzled woman would wail, "Calgon, take me away."  Yet, even if I had the time, my tub isn't remotely clean enough to contemplate indulging in a relaxing soak.

Instead of longing to turn to the refreshment of a bathtub filled with warm, bubbly, scented water, I need to turn to the true refreshment found only in the Word of God -- the Word that satisfies completely and quenches all thirst, the Word that cleanses and heals, the Word that speaks to my heart and will last forever.  I need to drink in the Word, deeply and often, and I need to immerse myself in the Word as eagerly as I would jump into a swimming pool on a hot summer day.

I need to take my struggles and depression and worry and surrender them to the Word made Flesh: Jesus, Emmanuel, God with us.  

Music Monday

I love this song.  It's so much fun!

Merry Christmas!

A new era

This year our first holiday gathering of the season had a bit of a twist.  After years of celebrating Christmas with my in-laws at their home in Illinois, we met in a different setting -- their new home in Wisconsin.

The location and the surroundings weren't what we were used to, but the food and family dynamics were the same.  Today was a good reminder for me that the "where" doesn't matter; it's the "who" that counts.

My in-laws are elderly and this Christmas celebration could very well be their last.  It's also possible that one of us who are younger could be with the Lord this time next year.  What's important is to put aside any squabbles or long-held grudges and treasure the time we have together.      

Meltdown

Call me a snowman (snow woman?) -- I had a meltdown today and it wasn't pretty.

My meltdown involved a raised voice, rudeness, profanity, and tears . . . and not all of those unbecoming behaviors were directed at my husband.  I was snippy and less than polite with a team member at Target, and the fact that she was snippy first certainly didn't excuse how I acted.  I was also impatient and rude at FedEx/Kinkos.

Wanting to have perfect photos to enclose in our Christmas cards does not justify letting my frustration and exhaustion erupt like Mount St. Helens.  I am very disappointed in me.  : /   

Horrific

Twenty-seven people were shot and killed today in a small town in Connecticut.  Counting the shooter, twenty-eight people died.

Twenty of the victims were children, age five to ten.  They died in a place where they should have felt totally safe -- their elementary school.

I can't imagine that any parent sends their children off to school in the morning and even remotely considers the possibility that they won't return home that afternoon because a sick individual shot them dead.

Less than two weeks before Christmas, twenty children won't wake up early on December 25th to eagerly discover what Santa brought them.  Perhaps some of the children who were killed were looking forward to lighting the menorah this evening at the Shabbat meal or playing with a dreidel and receiving Hanukkah gelt.

No doubt their parents had hopes and dreams for their future -- high school and college, a successful career, marriage and children, hundreds of achievements both big and small.  Now those same parents are making decisions about funerals and contacting extended family members with news so horrible that I don't know how the words can even form in their mind, let alone pass through their lips.

Today, evil in human form killed twenty children and seven adults in Newtown, CT.  And at the same time, a little part of every decent human being who heard the horrific news died as well.  

Thankful Thursday

I was a crab today.  : /   I was especially crabby with my husband.  : //

In spite of the challenges we're dealing with right now, I have a lot to be thankful for.  I need to remember how blessed I am rather than complaining about the setbacks we've encountered and the pressure and deadline we're under.  What we're dealing with right now is part of a very complicated and controversial blessing we received over three years ago.  So instead of whining, I should be thanking God for our opportunity and expectantly looking to Him to see how He will work out everything to His glory.

I am thankful that God nudges (sometimes forces) me to see my wrongheadedness and lovingly helps me to focus on what's truly important.  His perspective on any issue is always better than mine!   

A long day

Today was a long day.  I'm afraid they're going to get longer.  : /

Music Monday

I love this song and I love the artist.

Immanuel by Michael Card

An update

I went to a different Kohl's tonight and fortunately, this time, I actually found a pair of Lee trouser jeans.  They're not exactly like the ones I have, but they are reasonably close.  I like the waistband better on my original pair, but I like the back pockets more on the new pair.  The detail I really liked best was the fact that they were on sale!  

After the effort I expended on my jean search, I decided to do what I should have done last February when I bought my first pair of Lees -- I bought two pairs.  : )

Depressing

I went shopping for a new pair of pants this evening.  I knew exactly what I wanted.  That was my first mistake.  It has been my experience that when I know what I want, I have guaranteed that I will not be able to find it.  Tonight was no exception.

Even though I was shopping at the same store where I bought the original pair of pants, they did not have the pants I wanted.  Not just none of those pants in my size -- none of those specific style of pants at all.  : // 

I really shouldn't have been surprised since I have looked for the pants several times since I bought the first pair in February.  At first I thought I couldn't find the style I wanted because winter gave way to spring (at least in the retail calendar of seasons) and the only pants the store had in stock were capri length.  Does no one wear full length pants or jeans from April to October?  Apparently not.  However, this is definitely winter and still the Lee trouser jeans I was looking for where nowhere to be found.

I halfheartedly tried on a pair from a different manufacturer.  Meh, they might work.  They aren't exactly what I want, but when you only have one pair of pants that fit and are season appropriate, you can't be too picky.  I was really unhappy that the pants I purchased were almost twice as expensive as the ones I would have preferred to buy.  Fortunately they were on sale and I also had a coupon for and additional 20% discount.  I'm pretty sure my mom will be happy to give me one of the pairs for Christmas, so I will recoup a little bit of my splurge.

Even though I have two new pairs of pants, I'm not giving up on finding the Lee trouser jeans I really want.

Thankful Thursday

I have a little bit of a "thing" about going to new places on my own.  The same is true for meeting new people.  So going to a new place where I'll meet new people is a double whammy.  I don't actually panic, but I do feel slightly anxious, and a lot of times I will talk myself out of stepping outside of my comfort zone.

Today I wanted to go to an open house/sale in the town where G and I go to church.  I had never been to the house before.  I "knew" one of the women hosting the event -- meaning we were in the same WBS small group at least 15 years ago and she probably couldn't recall my name if her life depended on it -- and I had never met the other hostess, although I was familiar with her connections to my church and the community. 

I could have forced myself to stop being such a silly introvert, sucked it up and gone on my own, but I didn't.  So what did I do?  I e-mailed my friend, D, and asked her if she wanted to go with me.  Fortunately for me, she said yes.  : )

I'm thankful for D's friendship and her willingness to go places on the spur of the moment and I'm especially thankful she wanted to go to the open house with me today.  I think she understands some of my issues (even though we haven't openly discussed them) and I think she might even share some of the same issues as well.  D has been a wonderful friend for more than 20 years -- a kindred spirit as Anne Shirley would say -- and I'm blessed to have her in my life!   

What a waste of 5 minutes

Five minute chocolate cake.

Happy half

Apparently I am the worst mother ever.  Riiiiight, now tell me something I don't know.

M texted this afternoon, bemoaning the fact that I hadn't wished her a happy half birthday yet.  So I texted back "Happy 1/2 Birthday!"

I don't think she was amused or appeased.  Hopefully she hadn't wasted most of her day waiting for the mail carrier to drop off a half birthday card stuffed full of cash or a package containing a fabulous present, because . . . yeah, that's not happening.

Our family makes a pretty big deal about birthdays -- regular birthdays, golden birthdays, "big" birthdays like 10 (double digits, woo hoo!), 16 (sweeeet), 18 (now we'll pretend you're an adult), 21 (make sure you clean up after yourself when you're done puking), 25 (lower car insurance rates!!!) and 30 (?).  None of our kids have reached 30 yet, so I'm not sure what special significance we'll attach to that birthday -- maybe "now you're really an adult" or "yay, no wrinkles or gray hair yet."  But half birthdays?  Meh, not so much.

I can see the value of celebrating a half birthday if your real birthday falls on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.  It really does kind of stink to have a birthday on a day when everyone else gets presents too.  But if your birthday is on December 21st, 24th, 28th, 30th or 31st like several people that I know, well, that's just sort of cosmic bad luck.  Hopefully your family tries to make sure that your birthday presents aren't wrapped in Christmas paper.  It's also nice if they don't short you present-wise on either celebration.

Now getting back to M, her birthday is in June -- after Memorial Day, but before D-Day, Flag Day, and Father's Day.  She has no reason to feel that she is slighted when her birthday rolls around every year.  In fact, she probably has an almost perfect birth date because her birthday is close to the midpoint in the year.  In my mind, she has no grounds for complaint, and certainly no reason to expect us to make a fuss over her half birthday.  

Sorry M.  This half stuff?  I'm not buying it. 

Music Monday

O Holy Night is my absolute favorite Christmas song.  It is almost impossible to believe that this girl is only ten (10!!!) years old.  If couldn't see her, but only heard her voice, you would never guess that she was a child. 

Let there be light!

Lots of houses in our neighborhood are decked out in Christmas decorations, especially strings and strings of bright and colorful lights.  Until today, our house was dark.

But now . . . let there be light!

We don't have a lot of lights, but they are pretty and they present an interesting combination with vintage fat bulbs along the roof line and modern spiky snowball globes hanging near the front door and from a double shepherd's hook in the yard.  I would rather have a few tasteful decorations than a jarring juxtaposition of Santa, cartoon characters, and a nativity scene fighting for the place of prominence on a postage stamp sized lawn.   

December 1st

December 1st -- the first day of the last month of the year, the first day of Advent, the first day of meteorological winter, the day when I start to panic because I realize how much I still have to do to prepare for Christmas (spiritually and in a practical, worldly sense) and how very little time is left in which to do it all. This year, for many reasons, life is even more full than usual.

I know I will only be able to finish this year well with the help of the Lord.  If I would tell myself that truth, multiple times, every day -- I will only be able to finish this day well with the help of the Lord -- my life would be filled with peace in spite of the turmoil around and within me.