Music Monday -- New Year's Eve

Even though this song describes an event on Christmas Eve, the title, Same Old Lang Syne, seems perhaps more suited to New Year's Eve.

I've always liked Dan Fogelberg, a Peoria native and popular artist from my high school and college days.  This song makes me wonder what it would be like to run into my high school boyfriend.  Would it be comfortable or awkward . . . or both?

New Year's Eve is seldom a happy celebration for me, but I hope it is for others.  Lift your glass and say goodbye to the year that was and welcome in the year that will be.  May God bless us all in 2013.

 

The last Sunday of 2012

I went to church today.  You might be thinking, "So what?  Today's Sunday; don't you go to church every Sunday?"

Well, yes and no.  I listen to church on the internet almost every Sunday.  I even listen to my own church's service which is broadcast over the internet, courtesy of the Christian college that is right across the street from the sanctuary building.  What I don't usually do is get up, take a shower, get dressed, and physically go to the sanctuary of my church for worship. 

There are several good and valid reasons why I worship via my computer.  And there are also some relatively lame reasons why I don't get up and haul my body into a pew.  I struggle with the tension between worshiping in person with the body of Christ (as one of the sermon series from this fall told me I should) and the comfort and peacefulness of worshiping in solitude.  This struggle is nothing new, but it has intensified as of late.

The sermon this morning was excellent.  While I enjoyed singing hymns and carols and the other aspects of corporate worship, I missed being able to take notes on my computer as I do when I'm at home.

Unlike Christmas Eve, when I all but sobbed during the service (especially during the music), today I was somewhat in control of my emotions.  There were several times when I had to stop singing or I chose to whisper or mouth the words to the songs rather than singing them out loud.

I wish I was able to keep my mind from wandering during the hymns.  I wish I could sing the words and not think too much about what they mean.  When my mind strays or I think too much, that's when the teary trouble begins.

This morning I thought about P, M's friend who committed suicide two weeks ago . . . two weeks ago today, on a Sunday morning . . . nine days before Christmas.  I thought about P's parents.  Were they in church this morning?  Were they able to sing and voice the responses of the Catholic liturgy?  Did tears stream down P's father's cheeks as he knelt to pray or received the Eucharist?  And what about P -- was he singing praises to God, worshiping in the very presence of Christ the Redeemer?  Oh, I pray that he was and that he will forever do so.                

Deja vu

It was deja vu all over again today. 

G and M got a Redbox DVD to watch tonight -- The Dark Knight Rises.

I spent the evening (after I washed the dinner dishes) in G's office, reading the book I started last night.  I finished the book, so if tomorrow is a repeat of yesterday and today, I will need to find a new book.

: //

Friday

I look forward to Friday all week long.  I guess most people do, especially people who work hard Monday through Friday.  As a kid I can remember asking my father what he wanted. His answer?  Four-thirty Friday.  My dad worked hard at manual labor; no wonder he looked forward to quitting time every Friday afternoon.

I don't work outside of my home and I rarely work inside of it.  So why do I have so much anticipation for Friday?  Because Friday is Bride Night on TLC.  I love watching Say Yes to the Dress, Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta, and the other assorted bridal-themed programs that TLC shows on Friday evenings.  The best Friday nights of all are the first and third of the month when G goes to church for Friday Night Fun with STARS, because then I have the house and the TV to myself.  Bliss.

This Friday was the 4th Friday of the month, no FNF, no quiet house, and even worse, no Bride Night. 

This Christmas break, M and her father have really bonded.  Unfortunately for me, they have bonded to unite against me.  Together they decided that they wanted to watch the weekly Netflix movie, which G usually watches on Saturday night, on Friday night instead.  G especially knows that Friday night is my night to control the TV remote, but he never even asked me if I would mind if he and M watched their DVD.  If we had more than just one TV, it wouldn't have even been an issue.  But we are sooo last century (last mid-century) and we do have only one television.

Feeling disrespected and with my Friday night plans disregarded, I did the dinner dishes and then retreated to G's office to read a book I received for Christmas.

So now I am looking forward to next Friday night.  M will be in the city with her older sister and G will be at FNF.  And I will be watching the television programs that I like to watch. Win, win, win.        

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful for lots of things -- serious things, frivolous things, basic, concrete things, and more nebulous, ethereal things.

On Sunday, my mother asked me if I would pray before we had dinner.  I wasn't expecting her request, so I was put a little bit on the spot.  But as is so often the case, especially when I haven't had time to prepare, God gave me the words to say.

I can't remember everything I said, but I know I expressed gratitude for time with family, delicious food, and thoughtfully chosen gifts.  There were probably some other items as well, such as health and safety in travels.  I didn't pray for the family members who were absent from our gathering because I knew I would cry if I said E and N's names.  It's hard for me to keep from crying when I pray aloud anyway, let alone when I'm praying for someone I love and miss very much.

The main emphasis of my prayer was to express thankfulness for the greatest gift anyone has ever been given, the gift of Jesus as Savior.  No other earthly gift, no matter how expensive or beautiful, can compare to God's life-giving gift of His Son.

I am so thankful that God sent Jesus to save me from my sins.  And I am thankful that the Word made flesh and the words of God in Scripture encouraged me to accept God's gracious gift to me.  I received many lovely gifts this Christmas, but the forever gift of Jesus will always be most precious to me.  

Christmas in Decatur

Our Christmas celebrations are over.  We had four Christmas present-giving occasions: the day after Thanksgiving in Decatur with E and N, in Kenosha on the 16th, on the 23rd in Decatur with my brother and sister-in-law, and this morning,Christmas morning, with my parents.  Each get together was a little different, but each was nice in its own way.  There were lots of thoughtfully chosen presents and delicious food.  There was also time with family -- sometimes warm and enjoyable and at other times uncomfortable and awkward.  That's how it is with family.  At least that's how it is with our family.

I've reached the stage in life (sandwich years) when I can't help but wonder if this might be my last Christmas with one or both of my parents.  Two of my cousins just celebrated their fourth Christmas without their mom.  I don't want to think of the day when there will be an empty place at the head or the foot of the table that has seen so many Christmas (and other holiday) dinners, going all the way back to my mother's childhood years on the family farm.      

Music Monday

There was too much going on yesterday to do a Music Monday post, so here's a Merry Christmas Music Monday/Tuesday video.  This is some of the happiest music from my childhood.  : )

Merry Christmas everyone!

I should have known

I should have been suspicious when my husband told me one thing, but told my daughter another.  Why would he tell me he was picking her up at 9:00am., but tell her he would be at her apartment at 8:00am.?

When I asked him about it, he said that he thought I wanted to leave for my parents' house as soon as possible.  Well, yes, I would like to leave sooner rather than later.  But while he was taking his morning run, drinking his coffee, watching television, relaxing, and enjoying his ritual Saturday night Netflix, popcorn and beer, I was making candy, doing dishes, delivering candy, shopping, wrapping presents, and writing Christmas cards.  He went to bed at nine o'clock last night; I went to bed at three-thirty this morning.  What I'd really like to do is sleep just a little more than four hours.  : //

And then it dawned on me . . . the real reason he wanted to leave ASAP.  Not so we could get to Decatur sooner and have more time to spend with my mom and dad.  Not so we could be there to help my mom get ready for Christmas dinner with my brother and sister-in-law this evening.  No.  The real reason he wanted to skip church, hop in the car and race to Decatur was so he could watch the Bears, a loser team going nowhere in the postseason.

Merry Christmas.   

Frustration

If the letter for yesterday was F for flexibility, today was F for frustration.  ugh.

I made toffee to give as gifts . . . the chocolate popped off of the toffee and I was left with tasty, but naked candy.

I returned two items at TJ Maxx and waited more than a half an hour in two separate lines.  Why can you buy jewelry at the regular checkout, but you can only return it at the jewelry counter?  Makes no sense to me.  I can't imagine how horrible it would have been if I'd waited until after Christmas to make my returns.

G and I have totally different communication styles.  I communicate; he does not.  However, the man who never talks to me has suddenly become quite the conversationalist with our daughter.  Several times today I was saying something and he started a conversation with M, oblivious to the fact that I had been trying to talk to him.

I made very little progress on my Christmas cards.  The three (whoopee) cards that I mailed today may or may not be delivered on Christmas Eve.  Everyone else will receive their cards late.  I suppose I can blame my tardiness on a letdown after the end of the world that wasn't.

G told me we would leave for Decatur tomorrow at ten o'clock in the morning.  He told everyone else we would leave at nine.  Guess who won't be ready to go at nine?

I still need to buy a few presents . . . at stores that I've already shopped at two or three times this week.  : /

I am so tired, I think I could sleep for at least 12 hours straight.  If I'm lucky I will be able to sleep for 6 hours tonight.

Flexibility

I like to think that I'm a pretty flexible person.  But the reality is I'm not really all that flexible.  I don't react well to sudden changes or demands and I'm much happier if I know exactly what's going to happen and when -- well in advance. 

So, a few days before Christmas, I wasn't exactly thrilled to be asked to give up time that I had planned to use to grocery shop, make candy, wrap presents, and finish my Christmas cards.  But when a good friend asks you to take her to the hospital for a procedure, it's hard to refuse, no matter how many tasks need to be completed. 

Thankful Thursday

Well, it's finally winter, with a vengeance.  We don't have a lot of snow, but before the temperature dropped, we got over an inch of rain, so everything is slick and icy, and it is super windy.  : //  

K asked M if she would like to come with her to her office Christmas party this evening at WhirlyBall in Chicago.  M wanted to go, but it meant she would have to drive in to the city at rush hour, right when the storm was supposed to hit.  Plus M had gotten sick to her stomach earlier in the day -- she said she felt fine now, but I was concerned about what might happen if she got sick again.

Thankfully, the evening went well.  M didn't have any problems driving and she felt well enough to have some veggie pizza for dinner and play whirlyball.  K and M don't often do things together (or even get along all that well at times) so I was happy that K extended the invitation and M accepted.  I love it when my daughters enjoy spending time with each other.  : )

Struggling

This is a difficult time for me.  I'm: trying to clear out a house in a short amount of time, worrying if the house sale will actually go through, adjusting to having an adult child in our home again, working through grief over the suicide of a classmate/friend of one of my daughters, and dealing with seasonal depression and envy.

In short, I'm a mess.  I have the majority of my Christmas presents wrapped, but I still need to buy presents for some people.  I have Christmas cards and photos, but I need to put the two together and get them in the mail.  I know what cookies and candy I want to make to give to a few friends, but I'm not sure if I have all of the necessary ingredients and I'm not sure when I'm going to find the time to make these treats.

I can totally relate to that old commercial where the frazzled woman would wail, "Calgon, take me away."  Yet, even if I had the time, my tub isn't remotely clean enough to contemplate indulging in a relaxing soak.

Instead of longing to turn to the refreshment of a bathtub filled with warm, bubbly, scented water, I need to turn to the true refreshment found only in the Word of God -- the Word that satisfies completely and quenches all thirst, the Word that cleanses and heals, the Word that speaks to my heart and will last forever.  I need to drink in the Word, deeply and often, and I need to immerse myself in the Word as eagerly as I would jump into a swimming pool on a hot summer day.

I need to take my struggles and depression and worry and surrender them to the Word made Flesh: Jesus, Emmanuel, God with us.  

Music Monday

I love this song.  It's so much fun!

Merry Christmas!

A new era

This year our first holiday gathering of the season had a bit of a twist.  After years of celebrating Christmas with my in-laws at their home in Illinois, we met in a different setting -- their new home in Wisconsin.

The location and the surroundings weren't what we were used to, but the food and family dynamics were the same.  Today was a good reminder for me that the "where" doesn't matter; it's the "who" that counts.

My in-laws are elderly and this Christmas celebration could very well be their last.  It's also possible that one of us who are younger could be with the Lord this time next year.  What's important is to put aside any squabbles or long-held grudges and treasure the time we have together.      

Meltdown

Call me a snowman (snow woman?) -- I had a meltdown today and it wasn't pretty.

My meltdown involved a raised voice, rudeness, profanity, and tears . . . and not all of those unbecoming behaviors were directed at my husband.  I was snippy and less than polite with a team member at Target, and the fact that she was snippy first certainly didn't excuse how I acted.  I was also impatient and rude at FedEx/Kinkos.

Wanting to have perfect photos to enclose in our Christmas cards does not justify letting my frustration and exhaustion erupt like Mount St. Helens.  I am very disappointed in me.  : /   

Horrific

Twenty-seven people were shot and killed today in a small town in Connecticut.  Counting the shooter, twenty-eight people died.

Twenty of the victims were children, age five to ten.  They died in a place where they should have felt totally safe -- their elementary school.

I can't imagine that any parent sends their children off to school in the morning and even remotely considers the possibility that they won't return home that afternoon because a sick individual shot them dead.

Less than two weeks before Christmas, twenty children won't wake up early on December 25th to eagerly discover what Santa brought them.  Perhaps some of the children who were killed were looking forward to lighting the menorah this evening at the Shabbat meal or playing with a dreidel and receiving Hanukkah gelt.

No doubt their parents had hopes and dreams for their future -- high school and college, a successful career, marriage and children, hundreds of achievements both big and small.  Now those same parents are making decisions about funerals and contacting extended family members with news so horrible that I don't know how the words can even form in their mind, let alone pass through their lips.

Today, evil in human form killed twenty children and seven adults in Newtown, CT.  And at the same time, a little part of every decent human being who heard the horrific news died as well.  

Thankful Thursday

I was a crab today.  : /   I was especially crabby with my husband.  : //

In spite of the challenges we're dealing with right now, I have a lot to be thankful for.  I need to remember how blessed I am rather than complaining about the setbacks we've encountered and the pressure and deadline we're under.  What we're dealing with right now is part of a very complicated and controversial blessing we received over three years ago.  So instead of whining, I should be thanking God for our opportunity and expectantly looking to Him to see how He will work out everything to His glory.

I am thankful that God nudges (sometimes forces) me to see my wrongheadedness and lovingly helps me to focus on what's truly important.  His perspective on any issue is always better than mine!   

A long day

Today was a long day.  I'm afraid they're going to get longer.  : /

Music Monday

I love this song and I love the artist.

Immanuel by Michael Card

An update

I went to a different Kohl's tonight and fortunately, this time, I actually found a pair of Lee trouser jeans.  They're not exactly like the ones I have, but they are reasonably close.  I like the waistband better on my original pair, but I like the back pockets more on the new pair.  The detail I really liked best was the fact that they were on sale!  

After the effort I expended on my jean search, I decided to do what I should have done last February when I bought my first pair of Lees -- I bought two pairs.  : )

Depressing

I went shopping for a new pair of pants this evening.  I knew exactly what I wanted.  That was my first mistake.  It has been my experience that when I know what I want, I have guaranteed that I will not be able to find it.  Tonight was no exception.

Even though I was shopping at the same store where I bought the original pair of pants, they did not have the pants I wanted.  Not just none of those pants in my size -- none of those specific style of pants at all.  : // 

I really shouldn't have been surprised since I have looked for the pants several times since I bought the first pair in February.  At first I thought I couldn't find the style I wanted because winter gave way to spring (at least in the retail calendar of seasons) and the only pants the store had in stock were capri length.  Does no one wear full length pants or jeans from April to October?  Apparently not.  However, this is definitely winter and still the Lee trouser jeans I was looking for where nowhere to be found.

I halfheartedly tried on a pair from a different manufacturer.  Meh, they might work.  They aren't exactly what I want, but when you only have one pair of pants that fit and are season appropriate, you can't be too picky.  I was really unhappy that the pants I purchased were almost twice as expensive as the ones I would have preferred to buy.  Fortunately they were on sale and I also had a coupon for and additional 20% discount.  I'm pretty sure my mom will be happy to give me one of the pairs for Christmas, so I will recoup a little bit of my splurge.

Even though I have two new pairs of pants, I'm not giving up on finding the Lee trouser jeans I really want.

Thankful Thursday

I have a little bit of a "thing" about going to new places on my own.  The same is true for meeting new people.  So going to a new place where I'll meet new people is a double whammy.  I don't actually panic, but I do feel slightly anxious, and a lot of times I will talk myself out of stepping outside of my comfort zone.

Today I wanted to go to an open house/sale in the town where G and I go to church.  I had never been to the house before.  I "knew" one of the women hosting the event -- meaning we were in the same WBS small group at least 15 years ago and she probably couldn't recall my name if her life depended on it -- and I had never met the other hostess, although I was familiar with her connections to my church and the community. 

I could have forced myself to stop being such a silly introvert, sucked it up and gone on my own, but I didn't.  So what did I do?  I e-mailed my friend, D, and asked her if she wanted to go with me.  Fortunately for me, she said yes.  : )

I'm thankful for D's friendship and her willingness to go places on the spur of the moment and I'm especially thankful she wanted to go to the open house with me today.  I think she understands some of my issues (even though we haven't openly discussed them) and I think she might even share some of the same issues as well.  D has been a wonderful friend for more than 20 years -- a kindred spirit as Anne Shirley would say -- and I'm blessed to have her in my life!   

What a waste of 5 minutes

Five minute chocolate cake.

Happy half

Apparently I am the worst mother ever.  Riiiiight, now tell me something I don't know.

M texted this afternoon, bemoaning the fact that I hadn't wished her a happy half birthday yet.  So I texted back "Happy 1/2 Birthday!"

I don't think she was amused or appeased.  Hopefully she hadn't wasted most of her day waiting for the mail carrier to drop off a half birthday card stuffed full of cash or a package containing a fabulous present, because . . . yeah, that's not happening.

Our family makes a pretty big deal about birthdays -- regular birthdays, golden birthdays, "big" birthdays like 10 (double digits, woo hoo!), 16 (sweeeet), 18 (now we'll pretend you're an adult), 21 (make sure you clean up after yourself when you're done puking), 25 (lower car insurance rates!!!) and 30 (?).  None of our kids have reached 30 yet, so I'm not sure what special significance we'll attach to that birthday -- maybe "now you're really an adult" or "yay, no wrinkles or gray hair yet."  But half birthdays?  Meh, not so much.

I can see the value of celebrating a half birthday if your real birthday falls on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.  It really does kind of stink to have a birthday on a day when everyone else gets presents too.  But if your birthday is on December 21st, 24th, 28th, 30th or 31st like several people that I know, well, that's just sort of cosmic bad luck.  Hopefully your family tries to make sure that your birthday presents aren't wrapped in Christmas paper.  It's also nice if they don't short you present-wise on either celebration.

Now getting back to M, her birthday is in June -- after Memorial Day, but before D-Day, Flag Day, and Father's Day.  She has no reason to feel that she is slighted when her birthday rolls around every year.  In fact, she probably has an almost perfect birth date because her birthday is close to the midpoint in the year.  In my mind, she has no grounds for complaint, and certainly no reason to expect us to make a fuss over her half birthday.  

Sorry M.  This half stuff?  I'm not buying it. 

Music Monday

O Holy Night is my absolute favorite Christmas song.  It is almost impossible to believe that this girl is only ten (10!!!) years old.  If couldn't see her, but only heard her voice, you would never guess that she was a child. 

Let there be light!

Lots of houses in our neighborhood are decked out in Christmas decorations, especially strings and strings of bright and colorful lights.  Until today, our house was dark.

But now . . . let there be light!

We don't have a lot of lights, but they are pretty and they present an interesting combination with vintage fat bulbs along the roof line and modern spiky snowball globes hanging near the front door and from a double shepherd's hook in the yard.  I would rather have a few tasteful decorations than a jarring juxtaposition of Santa, cartoon characters, and a nativity scene fighting for the place of prominence on a postage stamp sized lawn.   

December 1st

December 1st -- the first day of the last month of the year, the first day of Advent, the first day of meteorological winter, the day when I start to panic because I realize how much I still have to do to prepare for Christmas (spiritually and in a practical, worldly sense) and how very little time is left in which to do it all. This year, for many reasons, life is even more full than usual.

I know I will only be able to finish this year well with the help of the Lord.  If I would tell myself that truth, multiple times, every day -- I will only be able to finish this day well with the help of the Lord -- my life would be filled with peace in spite of the turmoil around and within me.

Thankful Thursday

Thankful Thursday

Music Monday

Music Monday

Holiday weekend

Thanksgiving

Thankful Thursday

Happy Thanksgiving!

Strangely beautiful

The moon was gorgeous tonight.  It looked like a pale, golden half-wheel of cheese laid out on the black tablecloth expanse of the sky.  Lately the moon has been bright and clear white, so its appearance tonight was something of a surprise.

Another surprising aspect of the night landscape was fog.  As I drove home from Target (where else?), the fog grew thicker and thicker.  By the time I was a few blocks from home, I could barely see past the front of the car.  I almost felt as if I was driving through heavy smoke.  It was very disorienting and I can only imagine how much more foggy it must be a few miles west of my home where the suburbs give way to open countryside.

Music Monday

Music Monday

I love a challenge

Well most of the time I love a challenge.

I talked with my mom this evening.  She was trying to remember a poem about Thanksgiving by Robert Louis Stevenson.  I couldn't think of any RLS poems, so I turned to my best friend, Google.

And came up empty.  : ( 

As I was talking with my mom, I was also diligently searching the depths of the internet.  Finally she told me to not waste any more time trying to find the elusive poem.  But I couldn't give up.  I did stop looking for the poem for the rest of our conversation, but a few hours later, I decided to give it one more try.

Jackpot!  I found the poem -- but it wasn't written by Robert Louis Stevenson.  The poem my mother was trying to remember was written by Ralph Waldo Emerson.  Hey, they both have three names, so at least she got that part right.  

For each new morning Thanksgiving prayer

For each new morning with its light,

For rest and shelter of the night,

For health and food, for love and friends,

For everything Thy goodness sends.

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson  

I like this little poem -- poemlet? poemlette?  Yet it somehow seems unfinished to me.  As I read the poem I feel like it needs one more line.  So, with apologies to RWE, I would add the line: 

We give Thee thanks.  

Is it really possible . . .

. . . that next Thursday is Thanksgiving and my 32nd wedding anniversary?

On our 10th wedding anniversary (also on Thanksgiving Day that year), G and I announced that we were expecting baby #3.  I was more than a little surprised by my parents' less than enthusiastic response.  I almost wondered if they had suddenly become ardent supporters of Zero Population Growth and were upset that we going to "overpopulate" the world.  Later on my mom told me that she and my father weren't sure if G and I were all that excited about adding one more to our family, so they didn't know if they should make a big fuss. 

Well, baby #3 turned 21 earlier this year, and aside from my father persisting in calling her Susie for the first couple months of her life, I think everyone (even her oldest sister who didn't want another baby and definitely didn't want another sister) would agree that M has been a lively addition to our family.

I'm looking forward to celebrating Thanksgiving with my family.  E and N will come from Virginia, stopping in West Lafayette on their way to pick up M.  My mom will throw out all the stops to make a memorable meal, even though her dietary restrictions mean that she probably shouldn't eat half of what she's fixing.  If we're lucky, we might get to see my cousins and their children, and we will all walk around the block to visit with 94-year old GAR.

I hope we'll have good weather -- for driving, for the runners in our family, and for the outdoor family photos I plan to take in the hopes of getting a good picture to enclose in our Christmas cards.

With all of the changes in our family this year, I didn't know if we would be able to gather in Decatur again, all eight of us around my grandparents table in my parents' home.  But by God's mercy and grace, it looks like it will happen.

I can hardly wait.  : )      

Thankful Thursday

Thankful Thursday -- K's trip to MN

Music Monday

Music Monday

A less than great day

I had to get up early this morning to make muffins for brunch at my small group leader's home.  When the alarm on my cell phone went off, I adjusted it for another 30 minutes of much-needed sleep.  Amazingly, I did get out of bed when the alarm went off the second time.

The muffin recipe came together easily and in no time at all, I popped them in the oven to bake.  My "oven" sometimes takes longer to bake than a normal oven would, so I wasn't in a hurry to take the muffins out when the 20 minute bake time was up.  However, when I did look at them, I was unpleasantly surprised.

The muffins were really flat.  In fact, they didn't look like they had risen much at all.  Arrrgh.  They also were still doughy in the center, so I left them in to bake for 5 more minutes -- knowing that the extra baking time wasn't going to make any real difference.  I checked the expiration date on my baking powder and confirmed that it was expired.  : /

So besides wasting my time and baking ingredients, now I had to find time to run to the bakery and get a coffee cake to take to brunch . . . and I still needed to take a shower.

Fast forward: brunch was nice -- good food and great conversation.  I learned some very interesting information about my fellow group members. 

After brunch I had planned to run errands; I had a few coupons I wanted to take advantage of and HELLO, I needed to buy baking powder.  I was about a quarter of the way to my first stop when I realized that I needed to go to the bathroom.  Not wanting to turn around and go home, I tried to convince myself that the mild discomfort I was experiencing was no big deal, and I could find a restroom at the store.  It only took a few moments for me to realize that my optimistic plan was not going to work.  I reluctantly turned the car around and headed home.

Soon my annoyance at having to alter my plans turned into absolute panic as I began to be afraid that I wouldn't make it home before I had a very unfortunate accident.  I had serious stomach cramps and I hate, hate, hate stomach cramps.  Ever since the birth of my first child, I have said that I would go through labor and delivery many times over rather than have to deal with stomach cramps.  Ugh.

Fortunately I made it home okay, but the relief I had hoped for didn't materialize.  Even after I used the bathroom (several times) I still was extremely uncomfortable and didn't feel as if I could venture too far away from la toilette.  Setting my plans for the rest of the day aside, I turned on my electric blanket and climbed into bed.  Three hours and a few bathroom breaks later, I got up and decided to see if I could still salvage some of my plans.  Sadly, the answer was "no."

I'm hoping tomorrow will be a better day.           

Thankful Thursday

Thankful Thursday

Not quite the apocalypse . . . yet

Disappointment.  I guess that best explains what I'm feeling right now.

Deep disappointment -- the kind of disappointment my mother must have felt when she discovered that I hadn't done something that she had asked me to do, something important she was counting on me to do, and something that I had earnestly promised her that I would do.

I feel like we all had the responsibility to do something hugely important today.  Something that perhaps wasn't easy to do, but something that was vitally necessary for the long-term good of our country.

And we didn't do it.  When we needed to choose sacrifice, we were weak and we chose comfort.  When we needed to look to the future and deny our need for instant gratification, we  foolishly chose to close our eyes to the stark reality and instead clung stubbornly to our me first, hands out mentality.

Though this Scripture was written long ago, it is as true today as it was then.

¹⁵ “See, I have set before you today life and good, death and evil, ¹⁶ in that I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in His ways, and to keep His commandments, His statutes, and His judgments, that you may live and multiply; and the Lord your God will bless you in the land which you go to possess. ¹⁷ But if your heart turns away so that you do not hear, and are drawn away, and worship other gods and serve them, ¹⁸ I announce to you today that you shall surely perish; you shall not prolong your days in the land which you cross over the Jordan to go in and possess. ¹⁹ I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live; ²⁰ that you may love the Lord your God, that you may obey His voice, and that you may cling to Him, for He is your life and the length of your days; and that you may dwell in the land which the Lord swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, to give them.”    Deuteronomy 30:15-20 NKJV

May God have mercy on our souls.  

Music Monday

I got to see K tonight.  She took the train out so she could drive the Civic back into the city.  She's borrowing our car to take to Minneapolis on Friday for a long weekend to scope out potential places to live if she moves there.

Thursday is K's 25th birthday, so I'm glad I got to see her now -- on Thursday she will be working during the day and teaching at Harold Washington in the evening.  We had a little time to talk before she had to get back to the city and I was able to give her an early birthday present.

I love My Girl and I love my girl, K.  Any time I get to spend with her (or my other girls) is truly like sunshine on a cloudy day.  : )

But I'm not ready to wear shoes!

It's November.  Where did the first ten months of the year go?

I actually like November.  I got married in November; my second child was born in November, and Thanksgiving is in November -- all events and occasions to celebrate and enjoy.

What I don't like about November is the weather.  The blue sky days of October are past; November's skies are often gray and gloomy.  The chance for a warm day (over 50 degrees) is pretty slim.  Almost all of the trees have lost their leaves, and the ones that remain are dull and brown.  Really about the only color one can count on in November comes from containers of hardy mums and the few pumpkins and gourds that manage to survive after Halloween.

Tonight I went shopping at Target (where else?) and got more than a few odd looks from people as I walked around the store in my soccer slides, sans socks.  At least my toenails are painted an appropriately fall-themed orangey bronze.  I know I should surrender and start wearing real shoes with socks, but I can't quite give up the hope that the weather won't be so cold and the sun will shine warmly enough for me to pretend that winter's not right around the corner.

Thankful Thursday

Thankful Thursday

Halloween

Halloween is not my favorite holiday.  It's probably not even in my top 5.  If I had to rank Halloween, it would likely fall into a tie for last with Valentine's Day.  I suppose I enjoyed Halloween when I was a kid; I seem to remember having fun deciding on a costume and trick-or-treating.  Now that I'm old, eh, not so much

In my opinion, Halloween could be so much better with just a few changes.

1. Change the date to sometime in late spring.  Half the time little kids (especially girls) are running around and freezing in skimpy costumes.  It's no fun to be Princess Jasmine if you have to cover up your pretty outfit with your winter coat.  Where I live, Halloween Day is usually cold and blustery -- snow or rain is often an unwelcome possibility.  May would be a much better month for princesses and super-heroes to trek door to door.

2. Make sure everyone knows and follows the rules.  I know I am being totally unrealistic, but isn't just about everything better when people follow the rules?  In my corner of the world the Halloween rules are pretty simple: a) observe the village's stated hours for trick-or-treating -- if trick-or-treating ends at 7:00pm, don't knock on my door at 7:10pm; b) only approach houses for candy if the porch light is turned on -- it doesn't matter if it looks as if the entire Halloween departments of JoAnn's and Michaels threw up in your neighbor's yard; if their porch light isn't turned on, they aren't participating in trick-or-treating; c) be courteous -- the proper greeting when someone opens the door is "trick-or-treat!" and the polite response upon receiving one's candy is "thank you!"  Shouting out the names of other holidays, neglecting to express gratitude, or complaining about the type of candy you received are not acceptable and, in fact, are downright rude.  d) be safe -- black bats, black witches, black cats, black vampires, black pirates and so on are difficult to see as they scurry from house to house and sometimes even dart out into the street.  A little bit of reflective tape on a costume or the glow from a flashlight can help to make little trick-or-treaters more visible as the sun goes down.  Incredibly, I saw several groups of children, accompanied by adults, and everyone was dressed completely in dark colors.  Not only can a flashlight help you be readily seen by drivers and other trick-or-treaters, it can also help you avoid falls as you navigate curbs and uneven sidewalks.                   

Should I worry now?

The open door.

Music Monday

To date, thirteen people have died, almost 6 million people are without power, and wind and flood damage reports continue to mount -- all because of Hurricane/Superstorm Sandy.  It is a scary and uncertain time for the eastern third of the country and countless others who have family and friends in the path of the storm.  E and N (and Penny!) have been without power for almost eight hours now.  I'm sure their house is cold.  And because they are on well and septic, they also are without water.  Not fun.

This song is a good reminder that God is more powerful than the fiercest storm.  He is worthy of our praise, even in the midst of the storms, literal and figurative, that sweep through our life and threaten to overwhelm and destroy us.  I choose to praise the One who rebuked the wind and said to the sea, "Peace! Be still!" and at His word, the wind ceased and it was completely calm.

We bit the bullet

We finally bit the bullet.  We really couldn't put it off any longer.  As much as I had hoped we would be able to hold out until November 1, today we turned on the furnace at both our house and GAI's house.

I am not looking forward to getting those Nicor bills.  : //

Thankful Thursday

Thankful Thursday

I heard it on the radio

Love your neighbor.

Music Monday

It's Monday . . . and it's raining.

Thankful Thursday

We got an interesting phone call this evening.  My MIL and her husband just wanted us to know that they had sold their house (what?!) and they will be moving to Wisconsin next month (WHAT?!).  Obviously a lot has been going on that they chose to not share with us.

It was less than two months ago that we were all together for my SFIL's birthday bash at our family's go-to Italian restaurant for celebrations.  I'm pretty sure that all of these plans were in the works at that point in time, but no one said a word.  At least no one said a word to us.  I am willing to bet that my husband's siblings were very much in the know in regards to this planned move.

Bottom line -- what my in-laws choose to do is their business.  Unless they're doing something dangerous or illegal, I have no right to offer my unsolicited opinion.

So this Thursday, I'm thankful that my in-laws have sold their home and are moving into a house owned by and located across the street from my younger SIL.  GA will be able to keep an eye on her mom and stepfather and help them out when they need a hand.  The day was quickly approaching when my in-laws would not have been able to live independently, so I'm thankful that they made the decision to move before the decision had to be made for them. 

I heard it on the radio

"Eve was in the mind of God before she was ever in the arms of Adam." ~ Pastor James Ford, Jr.

Let me know when I should start to worry for real

Burning down the house.

Music Monday

Sometimes it's not too late and the wisest choice is to turn back. 

Oh well, the "I believe, I believe, I believe" line in this song is the best. So much fun to sing.

While I like these images paired with the song, I'm disappointed that the creator of the video didn't include actors of color, especially considering that Cornelius Brothers and Sister Rose are black.

Another last

Head of the Rock.

What was she thinking?

I just watched one of my Friday night favorites, Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta.  After several years you would think nothing could faze me anymore.  You would be wrong.  Tonight the show featured a bride that was so unbelievably dumb and crude, I couldn't help but believe the entire appointment had to have been staged.

Lots of brides change their appearance before the big day -- lose weight, get their hair highlighted, visit a tanning salon, have their teeth professionally whitened, or join a gym to get nicely toned upper arms.  What most brides don't do is get breast implants.  Most brides, but not this bride.

Dissatisfied with her perfectly normal 36B rack, this southern ding-a-ling (I can't insult decent southern women by calling her a belle) had her bustline surgically enhanced to a way more than ample 36DD.  In her street clothes, she didn't look too bad.  But when she tried on the low-cut, strapless, figure-hugging dress styles that she wanted to wear on her wedding day, she looked, and sounded, like the lowest class of hooker.

The bride kept saying that she wanted all the attention to be on her "boobies."  She also said that she got them especially for the wedding so she definitely wanted to show them off.  When she modeled the dress for her family that she ultimately decided to purchase, her crass comment showed how little emphasis she was putting on the solemn and sacred ceremony that would unite her to her husband.  Posing on the runway in a deep v-neck gown with her "boobies" squeezed into a vulgar display of cleavage that looked like she had a pair of 16" softballs stuffed into the bodice, she crowed, "My ladies are comin' out to play!"

Really?  On your wedding day, the day you promise to be faithful to one man for the rest of your life -- that's the day you want to show off the goods like a Kartrashian, that's the day you want to look like you're making a play for every man in the room?

I can understand wanting to look beautiful.  I can understand wanting to look alluring and desirable for your husband.  But isn't that what the honeymoon lingerie is for?  Shouldn't a bride want to kindle that physical longing in her groom when they are able to come together and burst into flames of sexual intimacy, with no hesitation?  And no bride should want to stir up any sort of lustful feelings in the groomsmen or other male wedding guests.

In many churches the pastor or priest stands one step above the couple as he delivers the wedding charge or homily and when the bride and groom recite their vows to one another.  What self-respecting bride would want to distract or tempt the wedding officiant with the threat of a nip slip or Playboy worthy cleavage?  Ugh.

Unbelievably, after rejecting some of the bride's early possibilities, her family was 100% behind her dress choice.  I cringed when the bride's mom approvingly said, "I think her boobs look awesome in this dress."  How sad that this young woman had been reduced to nothing more than a pair of grossly inflated, fake breasts.  When the big day arrives, will this girl be happy to have her friends congratulate her with comments like "Wow, your rack looks amazing!" or "Damn girrrl, your boobies are the bomb"?  Or would she rather hear "You are the most beautiful bride I've ever seen"; "You look gorgeous"; "You're glowing with happiness"?          

Thankful Thursday

E & N's hospitality

Music Monday

I finally got to eat at Big Star in Wicker Park.

It was all that I had heard and hoped it would be.  Al Pastor tacos with a dulce de leche milkshake.  Delicioso.

In honor of Big Star's phenomenal tacos, I'm featuring the most famous song of a group that calls their music Texican rock n' roll.  I bought the Los Lonely Boys debut CD when it first came out, and, if it had been an old school record, I probably would have played it enough to wear it out.  I think I need to find that CD and revisit all of the great Los Lonely Boys songs.

Los Lonely Boys "Heaven"

Chicago Marathon 2012

G ran his 12th Chicago Marathon today and he recorded his best time since 2006.  The cooler temperature definitely agreed with him, and apparently, many of the other runners as well.

The first place finisher in the men's division set a course record, breaking the record set in last year's sweltering heat by 59 seconds.  The second and third place finishers broke the former record as well.

In the women's division, the first place finisher won by less than 1 second.  Race officials had to resort to finish line photography to determine which woman won.  Spectators said the finish was more reminiscent of what one would expect from the 100 yard dash, not a 26.2 mile marathon.

While G didn't set any records, not even a personal best, he was very happy with the race that he ran.  He said he didn't get overly excited at the start and go out too fast.  He stuck to his race plan and ran within his limits.

I stuck to my race day plan as well.  K and I had a mid-morning snack at Magnolia Bakery and then shared a bowl of chicken and wild rice soup at Panera before we met up with G just beyond the finish line.  In between, we cheered and looked for G to run past.  And we shopped . . . but we didn't buy anything.

I would say that all three of us were happy with how the day turned out.  : )    

Itchy

I have a difficult time transitioning from one season to the next.  When fall arrives, it takes me forever to give up wearing flip flops and capris.  Fall to winter is my hardest transition, but the others can be challenging as well.

One of the worst issues I have with going from fall to winter involves my skin.  I get super itchy.  As I type this, I feel like I have a fever.  There is tingly itch on my arms, legs, and lower back, and I experience waves or heat, then cold.  All of this is more than extremely annoying. 

I've tried moisturizing lotion, but it doesn't help.  Even resisting the temptation to shower with hot water or turn the electric blanket above 2 doesn't make a difference; I still get the twitchy itch.  Usually after a week or so, my body adjusts to the lower humidity and the contrast between cold natural air and heated indoor air.

The way I feel now, "adjustment day" can't come soon enough.  : /            

Another ghost bicycle

A 32-year old lawyer was struck and killed while riding his bike to work today on the near North Side of Chicago.

The company he worked for is about a block away from the place where K was a baker for three years.  Chances are pretty good that this guy came to her business for lunch or coffee.  He might even have eaten some of her amazing pumpkin hazelnut cookies or zucchini cake with crunchy lemon glaze.

When I first read about the accident on the Tribune website, my stomach clenched.  The story didn't identify the victim, not even whether it was a male or female.  I checked the address and realized that it was unlikely that K would have been on her bike at that location at the time the accident occurred.  Some of my fear and anxiety subsided.  Later I read an update that stated the victim was male.  In addition to his name, the article also gave his work address.  It was then that I realized how this man's life had most likely intersected with my daughter's.

I try to not worry about all the dangers that could befall K as she lives in Chicago, but it's not easy.  One of the things I worry about the most is the potential for injury (or worse) when K is riding her bike all over the city.  I know she is very careful and takes great pains to choose the most bike-friendly routes possible, but accidents happen and clueless drivers are everywhere.

The man that was killed today also rode on what he felt were the safest streets.  He wore a helmet and rode defensively.  But it wasn't enough.  Some idiot, parked along the curb, opened their car door into traffic without looking to see if a biker was approaching from behind.  In an attempt to avoid being "doored" the cyclist swerved to keep from hitting the car door.  He missed the parked car, but unfortunately wasn't able to avoid being struck by a semi that was traveling in the same lane with him.  I can only pray that he died instantly.

A little more than two years ago, K was struck by a car while she was riding her bike to a college graduation party being held in her honor.  She flew over the handlebars of her bike and hit her helmeted head as she landed in the middle of the street.  Fortunately, neither the car that hit her, nor the CTA bus (that the car's driver sped up in order to avoid being stuck behind), ran over her as she lay in the street.  The accident occurred just outside the party house and her friends rushed out to see if she was okay and took care of her while they waited for the police to arrive.

K was incredibly lucky that day; we've told her that her guardian angel must have been working overtime.  We can even joke about the incident because she was spared serious injury -- there is no bare-bones bicycle spray-painted white to mark the site of her accident.  But within a few days, the friends or coworkers of the man who died today will erect a ghostly white memorial, perhaps even using the mangled frame of the bike he was riding today, as a silent reminder of a life that was ended by ignorance and an attitude that put self first, above the interests and safety of others, especially those who are defenseless or in a more vulnerable position.

Eventually my stomach relaxed today, but somewhere a mother, grandmother, aunt, girlfriend, father, brother, cousin, roommate, or lifelong friend is dealing with the pain and shock of sudden, inexplicable loss.  I feel guilty when I say that I'm glad I can only imagine how they feel.       

Thankful Thursday

After more than a week in the hospital, J gets to come home today!

Music Monday

Music Monday

September wrap-up

It feels as if September went by fairly quickly.  I guess that means I was busy.  Or time just snuck up on me.

This weekend I finally got to Decatur to visit my parents.  On Saturday we went to the Apple Orchard in Sullivan and bought 5 1/2 dozen doughnuts and 4 gallons of minimally processed, barely filtered apple cider.  My dad and I also had apple cider slushies -- so good.  My mom wanted a pastry (not sure what that is exactly since I hadn't been to the Orchard before) but they had sold out of them earlier in the day.  Needless to say, she was disappointed, but we opened up one of the packages of doughnuts and she seemed satisfied.  I know I was.

On our way home from Sullivan we dropped a dozen doughnuts off at my cousin's house.  Her dog, Hank, barked and growled at me and my mom.  I had hoped to see JM, the new Marine, home for a brief break after completing boot camp, but he was out for the day with his girlfriend.

Saturday evening my mom grilled bacon-wrapped filets for dinner.  Mine needed a little more time on the grill to be done enough for my taste, but it was still good.  Mmmm, meat.  : )    As I was washing the dinner dishes, the phone rang.  One of GAD's nieces was calling from Hillsboro to ask my mom to come down and handle a "situation."  GAD had imagined that a group of people were breaking into her house.  She panicked and ran out of the house and then ran down her street, yelling.  While she doesn't live in town, she does have neighbors in her rural subdivision, and a couple that had just moved to the neighborhood called the police. 

Fortunately the police were able to get some information from GAD and they contacted the niece, who in turn contacted my mom and all but demanded that she come to Hillsboro -- an hour and a half away from Decatur -- and spend the night with GAD.  My mom tried to explain that she had company, that would be ME!, and that it wasn't convenient for her to drop everything and jump in the car at seven o'clock in the evening.  But this woman, L, was persistent.  She said that neither she, nor her sister or brother -- all of whom live less than 15 minutes away -- would be able to help out.  So my mom added a few things to the bag she keeps packed for emergencies and headed to Hillsboro.

I know my mom didn't really have a choice, but I was so disappointed when she left.  One of the reasons I had gone to Decatur this particular weekend was to hear my mom sing in the choir.  Now she wouldn't even be here to go to church.  And I wasn't sure if she would be home before I had to leave to drive back to Carol Stream.  I definitely wasn't thinking kind thoughts towards GAD's relatives on the other side of the family.  All of these people who weren't willing to be inconvenienced are much younger than my 73-year old mother.  Yet they didn't think anything of forcing her to drive on two-lane country roads at night.  These inconsiderate relatives are only waiting around for GAD to die so they can grab their inheritance.  Grrrr.

This morning my dad and I went to church and then he took me out for breakfast to Bob Evan's.  We both had coffee and the biscuit and gravy special.  It was nice to have some time alone with him, but I was still missing my mom.  Fortunately she was able to take GAD to her brother's house after they had gone to church and the niece that called my mom the night before agreed that she would keep an eye on GAD tonight.  I was able to put off starting my three hour drive home long enough so I could briefly see my mom when she came back from Hillsboro.

The weekend didn't go totally according to plan, but in the end, it was okay.  I was able to visit with my parents; I had a nice Sunday morning with my dad, and we all enjoyed our outing to the Orchard on Saturday.  I'd say it was a good way to close out the month of September.   : )                

Thankful Thursday

The past three days have been long and not especially fun.  I am heading into a weekend with my parents seriously sleep deprived and emotionally exhausted.  I can only hope I'll be able to stay awake throughout the three hour drive tomorrow.

But in spite of these recent challenges, I am thankful that I was able to be with my friend J in the emergency room Tuesday afternoon and evening.  J couldn't get in touch with her boyfriend so she called me to come and keep her company.  The next day I was at the hospital for over eight hours while J had surgery, and this afternoon I provided conversation and hands-on care for five hours until another one of J's friends was able to come and relieve me.

My experience as J's caregiver and advocate has once again confirmed for me that I am unsuited to be a nurse or work in the medical field.  Still, I am thankful that I have been able to support and encourage J when she needed someone to help her through a scary and uncertain time.  I fully believe that the Lord enabled me to be patient with J as she struggled with confusion and memory issues as a result of an anti-anxiety sedative she was given before and after surgery.  And I also know that God has helped me to do certain tasks that are normally outside of my comfort zone.  

J has been there for me many times over the twenty-eight years that we've been friend.  I'm glad that I've been able to be there for her this week. 

I heard it on the radio

I haven't written an "I heard it on the radio" post lately, and tonight I heard something that I felt was worthy of a post.

The speaker, Chip Ingram, was speaking about the importance of parental authority in the complicated equation of raising children to be responsible and independent adults.  He stressed that children need to be taught to respect and obey their parents.  Those attitudes and actions are not ones that come naturally.  Just as a puppy or kitten needs to be trained to encourage good behavior and discourage bad behavior, children need to be trained; they need to know what is expected of them and they need to know what will not be tolerated. 

One of the keys to achieving these outcomes lies with parents -- good parents love their children and train and discipline them fairly and consistently.  If children feel loved and secure, they will be more likely to respect and obey their parents.

Some people will say that, in regards to this issue, there is a difference between the response of young children vs. the response of tweens and adolescents -- they're probably partially right.  Even with the most submissive kids, there's often a little bit of an attitude factor that occurs during the teenage years.  An anonymous quote (misattributed to Mark Twain) says "When I was seventeen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to be around him.  By the time I turned twenty-five, I was amazed at how much the old man had learned in the last eight years."

Children may feel that they know more, or better, than their parents, and consequently don't need to respect and/or obey them.  But we need only look to Jesus, our perfect model and pattern, to see the exemplary response he set for us all.  Jesus -- fully human and, at the same time, fully divine -- did know more than his parents.  And yet, He respected and obeyed them.  

If the Son of God obeyed His earthly parents in all things, who are we to do any less?               

Everything's fine -- until it isn't

I got an early start to my day today.  I know, rare for me, but I was picking a friend up for lunch at 11,  so I needed to get up and get going.

D and I enjoyed a leisurely lunch and she showed off pictures of her new grandson.  So cute!  After I dropped her back off at work, I returned two items to TJ Maxx and bought two new items, all while talking to my mom as I wandered around the store.

On my way home my friend J called, but I couldn't get my cell phone out of my pocket in time to answer it.  I tried to ring her back, but the call went straight to voice mail.  Odd.  Roughly half an hour later, J texted and asked if I would meet her at the ER.

Yikes!  J has a history of kidney stones, but she hadn't had a flare up in a while.  Earlier in the day she posted on facebook that she was on day 6 of a bout with the flu.  I assumed that maybe she had become dehydrated or was unable to stop vomiting.  I told J I was on my way and headed to CDH.

J (and I) have a long history with CDH.  She has been a patient there for: two bouts with kidney stones, an ER visit to determine that she had an ovarian cyst, surgery to repair a labral tear in her hip, a colonoscopy, and probably some other procedures that are unknown to me.  We joke that between us, we've probably paid for at least several pieces of artwork and half of the upholstered furniture in the outpatient surgery waiting room.

Unfortunately J will be funding a few more settees and coffee tables because tomorrow she will have her gallbladder removed.  The nausea, fever, vomiting, and aches and pains that the doctor on call in her practice attributed to flu in reality were symptoms of a badly inflamed and infected gallbladder that will have to come out.  Hopefully the surgeon will be able to use laparoscopy, rather than open surgery which would lead to a longer and more painful recovery.  The severity of of the infection and inflammation will determine which method the surgeon employs.

Once the morphine kicked in, J was feeling no pain and was much more relaxed than when I first saw her in the ER waiting area.  In her drug-induced euphoria she is ready with a capital R to get rid of this small, non-vital organ that has caused her so much pain.  I'm worried that she doesn't understand the seriousness of open surgery (which I believe she will have to have), the high probability for complications, and the lengthy recovery that she will likely have to face.  Hopefully the surgeon will explain all of that tomorrow when she meets him.

For tonight, I hope the antibiotics and pain meds are effective and J is able to get some much needed sleep.  I will see her tomorrow before she goes in to surgery and I will be waiting for her when she wakes up in recovery -- it's the least I can do for a woman who has been my friend for almost 28 years.          

Music Monday

I guess I'm sort of on a Hall & Oates kick.

I think this song would be a great, if somewhat unconventional, first dance song for a wedding reception.

Well and truly fall

Today was the first day of fall and it well and truly felt like fall.

It was windy and briskly chilly.  The sun was shining and the sky was a brilliant blue with a mixture of white fluffy clouds and heavier gray clouds.

But most of all, overnight some of the trees, mostly a specific type of maple, started to turn an orangey red.  I wish our trees -- the few that we have left -- would turn a gorgeous crimson or deep orange.  But alas, our maples are the type that have an anemic gold fall foliage. 

I used to think I wouldn't mind raking leaves so much if I had beautifully colored leaves to rake.  The trees at my childhood home were sycamores with very large, ugly brown leaves -- not fun at all to rake.  At this point it doesn't much matter because G usually just mows the lawn a few times and the mower takes care of the leaves and creates a mulch of sorts for our flower beds.  Although since G announced today that the mower is officially dead, I may be raking leaves once again.       

So long summer

Last day of summer

Thankful Thursday

Thankful Thursday -- GAD

When the unimaginable happens

Four years ago today, something horrible happened.  Not to me or my family.  Not even to someone that I know.  But what happened has touched me in a profound way.  And if this incident has affected me so strongly, I can't even begin to imagine how it has forever altered the life of the family at the center of the tragedy. 

Before September 19, 2008, I had never heard of BT or his family, even though they lived just a few miles away from me.  The only reason I heard about what happened to BT was because one of M's friends dated a guy who was friends with him.    

When the unimaginable happens, news travels fast.  In this case the news traveled from West Lafayette to the western suburbs of Chicago, and probably in a hundred other directions that were unknown to me.

When the unimaginable happens, life is changed in an instant.  Hopes and dreams, plans for the future evaporate and emptiness, uncertainty, anger, and hopelessness take their place.

Nothing is guaranteed.  We know that it's foolish to take life for granted, but years pass -- our children survive various illnesses, athletic injuries, foolish decisions involving cars or alcohol.  And somehow, we let our guard down.  We delude ourselves into believing that our children have reached a magical age when they will be "safe" from harm.  We know that tragedy strikes other people's children, but, for the sake of our sanity, we convince ourselves that our children are immune.

Until the unimaginable happens.        

Music Monday

Today was G's birthday.  For the past three years, K and G have celebrated his birthday with a sushi dinner, just the two of them.  This year they persuaded me to join them.  I don't like sushi, but the restaurant they go to does offer some cooked items.

I was glad that I agreed to go.  It is always good to spend time with K and, because we arrived in the city a half an hour before we were supposed to meet for dinner, she asked us if we'd like to see the office where she works.  We were able to meet a few of her coworkers and get a feel for the environment that has been K's work home for the last year. 

Dinner was delicious.  I had no idea that my husband and daughter were capable of consuming so much sushi.  I guess when it's "all you can eat", you don't want to walk away from the table wishing you'd ordered another spicy tuna roll.  : ) 

Before we headed home we briefly stopped off at K's apartment.  I thought the evening had gone well and I was encouraged that K seemed better emotionally than any time we'd been together since KC broke up with her.  Foolishly, optimistically, I allowed myself to hope that maybe she was beginning to move on and put some of the heartbreak and sadness (too trivial a word to adequately describe the pain she has experienced) behind her.

G had already gotten in the car and started the engine.  K and I were standing on the sidewalk.  She glanced at her daddy, patiently waiting for me to climb in the car, and her eyes filled with tears.  And in an instant, I realized how wrong I had been to hope, and my heart broke for her.

How could KC break up with my beautiful daughter?  How could he look into her clear, green eyes and tell her that he didn't want to be in a relationship with her -- that he loved her, but that he couldn't continue to date her?

At that moment, with her eyes glistening and tears rolling down the all too familiar tracks they've traced on her cheeks, I don't think my daughter has ever looked more vulnerable or more beautiful.  How could KC, if he truly loves K as he claims, how could he hurt her as deeply as he has?  His decision and actions are completely unfathomable to me.

As I stood on the sidewalk with K, this song* flashed through my mind.  Although the lyrics aren't a perfect fit (no infidelity was involved), the plaintive melody and repeated phrase "sad eyes" characterize my precious daughter perfectly. 

   * I looked at a lot of YouTube videos before I settled for this one -- and I definitely mean settled -- most of the videos were really hokey, with cheesy images, or even worse, almost pornographic ones.  Ugh.  In the end I decided a spinning 45 was the most inoffensive.  After all, it's really the music that matters.       

On the water

We drove to Milwaukee today to watch M row with Purdue Crew at the Milwaukee River Challenge.  It was a beautiful day -- sunny, not too warm, with a pleasant breeze.  We had never gone to the Milwaukee regatta before, and since M is a senior, this was our last chance.  I'm glad we made the effort to go.

Thankful Thursday

It has been a very long two and a half weeks, but the PFH is finally over!!!

I am so thankful that I'm able to go to the grocery store and not have to rush around like a crazy person, grabbing things and throwing them into my cart -- all so I can hurry home before I have a bloody accident.  This afternoon I went to a friend's house for prayer group and I didn't have to worry if I was going to feel that awful gushing feeling when I stood up from her kitchen table.  I'm not totally free from a dependence on personal products (the phrase I've used for years with my daughters), but at least I no longer have to gird for battle 24 hours a day.

I know that menstruation is part of God's good design for childbearing.  I am so thankful that, apart from a bit of a hiccup at the beginning of my active attempts at conception, my cycles served the purpose that God intended them to in respect to conceiving and sustaining prenatal life.  Once G and I moved on from childbearing to child rearing, I would gladly have said good-bye to my monthly cycle, but here I am, 21 years since my last child was born . . . still buying and using personal products.

Only God knows if I'll have another period, but for now, I am very, very thankful that my most recent one is over.   

It's that time again

Women's Bible Study started up again this evening.  I'm looking forward to the routine and discipline of studying the Bible. 

Once again, I am going to attempt to spread the weekly study out over the course of several days, rather than leaving it all to Tuesday night or even Wednesday during the day.  It will be even more important to do my best to achieve this goal because this study is much more introspective than some of the past studies that have been more concrete and in some cases a little too "fill in the blanks."  If I leave the whole lesson till the last minute, I will be shortchanging myself as to what God wants me to learn from His Word. 

This year my group leaders are the same leaders I had the first two years I attended the evening study.  I really like N and S and I think we are going to have a good group.  There are four women who I know from previous small groups and several other women who I know from other ministries at church.  It usually makes for a more comfortable start for me if I at least know a few of the small group members.

There are two women in the group who, if left unchecked, have the potential to take over the discussion -- sometimes with good insights, but often with long-winded stories and examples.  It's not my place to try to control either one of these women; hopefully N and S will do that.  My responsibility is to come to Bible study prepared to listen and learn what God wants to reveal to me and to ready to share what He already has revealed to me through my individual time in His Word.  I also need to spend time in prayer, ahead of time, asking the Lord to help me to focus on the study and not be distracted by the eccentricities of the participants. 

I'm trusting God that this will be a fruitful year of Bible study.   

Music Monday

Past, present, forgiveness, acceptance, love for a lifetime . . . We're All Alone references it all.

Ahh, Boz Scaggs.  Silk Degrees was the quintessential album of 1976 . . . well, maybe it's a tie with Frampton Comes Alive!  Who said that the 70's were a wasteland for good music???

Lido Shuffle, Harbor Lights, Georgia, and of course Lowdown were fabulous songs, but even though We're All Alone wasn't a chart-topper, it has staying power and still stirs emotions.  I bet it's popular at the karaoke bars in Japan where Boz Scaggs performs every summer for his loyal fans.

  

A pleasant day

This afternoon G and I went to Chicago to visit with K.  I had picked up several things at TJ Maxx that I thought K would like to add to her work wardrobe and I wanted to see if she liked them and if they fit.  Sadly, only two items were "keepers."

One of the many great things about visiting K is the abundance of places for us to investigate, especially restaurants.  Two weeks ago we ate at a vegetarian/vegan restaurant and last weekend we returned to a neighborhood favorite.  Today we decided to walk and shop in addition to keeping our eyes open for something to eat.

To that end, we checked out the Renegade Craft Fair.  I have wanted to go to the RCF for quite some time, and finally my desire became reality.  The RCF is massive; the double row of tents run down the middle of Division St. for several blocks.  A few side streets have tent areas as well.  In addition to jewelry, prints, paper goods, furniture, fashion accessories and more, there are also food vendors!  G and K weren't especially hungry, but I was feeling a little peckish, so G bought me two BBQ pork tacos and a ginger mint ice tea -- YUM!  K tried some of the taco and agreed it was delicious.  On our way back to K's apartment we stopped at Caffé Gelato where we shared a small cup of chocolate hazelnut and caramel gelato.  It was molto delizioso.  : )

My foot was bothering me when we started out from K's apartment.  After awhile my foot felt better, but then my hip began to hurt.  Aiyiyi, this aging business is not much fun.  : /      

In spite of my bum foot and hip, today was a beautiful fall day -- cool, yet sunny, with blue skies and puffy white clouds.  I was happy that I finally made it to the Renegade Craft Fair and *BONUS* I was able to spend time with K and enjoy some super tasty food as well.  I'll take a day like that anytime.  : ))

Thankful Thursday

It has been a challenging twelve days.  The PFH (Period From H*LL) has significantly altered my life by greatly impacting what I've been able to do and dictating what's had to slide.  When all of this started I had no idea that twelve days later I would still be struggling to leave my home for more than an hour.  My dependence on an immediate-access bathroom and my seriously depleted energy levels have limited me in ways I've never experienced before.

Yet in spite of all the constraints, I have been able to do everything I absolutely had to accomplish.  I am so thankful that the Lord enabled me to: attend a family birthday party on Saturday, complete my writing assignment for Tuesday, and run out to a few stores to get absolute necessities for G and me (personal products -- on my 3rd box of 36 super plus already ... ugh).

At my age, I'm hopeful that this will be one of the last cycles I'll have to deal with, and hopefully this will be the worst of it.  No matter what, I know that the Lord will give me the strength to get through whatever lies ahead.  His goodness and faithfulness are blessings that are always at the top of my thankful list.     

Day 11

I don't know why I'm blogging about day 11 when I haven't blogged about days 1-10.  I guess I never thought this would go on so long that I would reach a day 11.

What am I rambling on about?  Just one more of the trials joys trials of being a woman.  : //   I am on day 11 of the period from h*ll.  Considering I haven't had a real, full-blown period for more than a year, this is only to be expected.  But that doesn't mean I have to like it, or even tolerate it.  The whole experience has been so bad that I wonder if I have any uterine lining left to shed.  Heck, I even wonder if there's much of my uterus left in my pelvic cavity.  Ugh.

Because of this extended cycle, my iron count, which is low to begin with, is probably in the toilet (along with most of my uterus).  I mentioned to G that I was worried about my anemia, coupled with my non-existent energy, and he thoughtfully suggested that I ought to have a steak for dinner.  And he even more thoughtfully, especially since he's a pescetarian, offered to grill one for me.  There was just one catch . . . we didn't have any steaks on hand, so I had to go to the grocery store to buy one.

I hadn't left the house for two days because trips away from a readily accessible bathroom haven't been advisable.  Unfortunately we needed other grocery items besides steak, and I didn't trust G to do the shopping.  He also was pretty busy with work and didn't have any business sneaking out to the store.  So I girded myself and ventured out, figuring I would have a window of about one hour before I would have to rush home to avoid an embarrassing accident.

Thankfully all went well.  I got a lot of groceries and I selected a beautiful New York strip steak that G grilled to perfection.  It was delicious!  I hope the iron in that juicy piece of red meat really does the trick.

I also hope that I don't have to blog about a day 12 or 13 or 14 or . . . .     

Music Monday

Yes, I know . . . today is Tuesday.  But yesterday was Labor Day, so it didn't seem like Monday; it seemed like Sunday.  I knew it was Monday, especially because I had a writing assignment due that is always due on Tuesday, but it really didn't make any difference.  The whole day was up for grabs.

So a day late, here is a Music Monday tune for Tuesday.

Most people associate this song with the movie Ghost, but its history goes back so much farther than that.  When I hear Unchained Melody, I picture boys with longish crew cuts and chinos slow dancing with girls with bouffant flips wearing full-skirted shirtwaist dresses and white Keds.  I was in grade school in the 60's, but my Aunt M was a teen-ager and that's how she dressed for the Friday night dances.

Starting off with a bang

September 1st, the first day of my blog break.  So why am I blogging?  Especially since I don't have much to say.  Except I actually do have a lot to say, but I'm not sure I want to say it.

Partly I'm too tired to type it all out.  Partly I don't want to have this post devolve into a rant -- and it wouldn't take much for that to happen.

I spent most of the day with G's family -- mom, step-dad, siblings, nieces, nephews, great-nieces and great-nephews.  All together there were 21 of us.  That's 19 people too many.  : /   If my kids had been able to join the party, there would have been 25 family members in addition to 30 or so of my in-laws' nearest and dearest friends.  Aiyiyi!  Toss in the Elvis impersonator and it was a hunka-hunka burning something. I'm just not sure it was love.

At least the food was good and the restaurant kindly boxed up the leftovers from the family-style luncheon service, so I came home with food for the next few meals.  Score!

So I'm going to quit while I'm ahead.  You can't make me rag about the family member who hates my guts or the golden boy who can do no wrong or the frustrating and unnerving passive-aggressive dynamics. 

Nope. Not gonna to do it.

Taking a break

As August comes to a close, I think I am going to take a blogging break.  One blogger I follow took the entire month of August off.  While I missed reading her posts, I understand the need to step away for a bit. 

Instead of blogging almost every day, I plan to concentrate on "cleaning up" some of my previous posts.  I also hope to continue with Music Monday and Thankful Thursday posts, and possibly one other post each week, as time allows.  

Time off is a good thing.  : ) 

Thankful Thursday

I talked with K tonight.  She had just finished teaching at the community college in the Loop where she works as an adjunct professor and she was waiting to meet a friend for a late dinner and drink.  Class had gone really well and she was upbeat.

It seems like forever since I have had a conversation with K where she wasn't sobbing or so deeply depressed she could barely talk.  I know that K is still a long way from healing from her breakup with KC, but she is making progress.

I'm thankful that K is excited about teaching and I'm thankful that she is taking steps toward regaining her self confidence.  K is a beautiful young woman, on the inside and outside.  The hurt she suffered when KC broke up with her will never fully go away, but thankfully she's not letting his rejection define her. 

Wednesday

Birth control and infertility

Nothing to say

I had a less than satisfying conversation with my mom this evening.  Lately it seems like this has been happening more and more often.  : /

I've come to the conclusion that both my mother and I are depressed.  I hope I'm wrong about my mom, but I know I'm right about me.

My mom and I are at a point in our lives where not much is going on.  She told me years ago that the happiest time in her life was when my brother and I were in high school and college and the house was filled with our friends and she was involved with our activities and athletics.  She didn't look forward to the empty nest years like some women do. 

I don't know why I thought I would be different than my mom.  Maybe because she was a thousand times better mom than I could ever hope to be . . . maybe because she didn't have very many friends and I had (or so I thought) lots of friends . . . maybe because I didn't want to think that I would lose interest in living my own life when my kids grew up and moved on with their own lives?  

Now when we talk on the phone, my mom and I talk about my kids and what they're doing.  If we talk about our own lives, the conversation is brief.  There's just not that much to talk about.

Music Monday

Praying for K and hoping that she will hold on to the One who loves her perfectly and will never disappoint her or reject her.  Even in the hard times in life, God is blessing you K.  Every day He is blessing you.

Lies moms tell

If a mom tries to tell you that she never lies to her children . . . she's lying.

I will readily admit, mostly without shame, that I have lied to my kids.  One of the biggest lies I told my kids when they were little concerned the music truck.

Don't give in to weariness

It seems like I have spent all week planning for today.  More specifically, planning for the meal that I needed to make and deliver to a family at my church.  Originally I was supposed to provide the meal for Tuesday, but the mom decided that Friday would work best for them.

Last night I baked the chicken.  Sounds simple, right?  Wrong.  I bought cut-up thighs and drumsticks, but they weren't skinless.  No problem.  I know how to skin and trim chicken.  Well I don't know what Jim Perdue fed these chickens, but their skin was attached tightly enough to survive a nuclear holocaust.  When I finally had my 10 pieces skinned and trimmed, my hands were aching.  Mixing the baking sauce was easy and the chicken looked great when I took it out of the oven.  Unfortunately I had to wait another hour for it to cool enough so I could put it in the fridge.  It was past three o'clock before I climbed in bed.

This morning I prepped the veggies for fried rice and made fruit salad.  Again, how hard could it be to cut up some vegetables and put together a fruit salad?  I will admit, the fruit was easy; I used canned tropical fruit and Mandarin oranges and added in fresh strawberries and blueberries.  The veggies were a different story.  When I was finished dicing bell peppers and cubing carrots, my hands were aching again.  I also had to thinly slice green onions and cut up snow peas.  I give my hands and fingers a workout every day on my keyboard and mouse, but using a knife for an extended period of time obviously utilizes totally different muscles.  Even all the warm, soapy water I used to wash the mountain of dishes I generated didn't soothe the ache.

As much as my hands hurt, my feet hurt even more.  Normally I don't stand for hours on end, so that was a painful novelty for my feet that were already sore from a self-diagnosed heel spur.  : /  In the car on the way to drop off the meal, struggling with sleep deprivation and pain, I told G to stop me if I ever agreed to provide a meal again.  Wisely, he said nothing.

Of course I will say yes when the meal coordinator or the event coordinator e-mail to ask for a salad for a bereavement luncheon, cookies for a new member reception, or a meal for a family that is experiencing a crisis.  I may not say yes (or be able to say yes) the very next time I'm asked, but I will definitely respond to a need when it's within my ability to meet the need.  I've been on the receiving end of meals when my third child was born and when my grandparents died, so I know what a blessing it is to not have to think about what to have for dinner when fixing a meal is the lowest priority in a day filled with emotion and exhaustion.

The apostle Paul wrote to the Galatians and encouraged them, and all of us, with these words: And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.  Galatians 6:9   

At the end of the day, and in the midst of the day, I was very physically weary.  But by God's grace, as tired as I was, I did not grow weary of doing good.  I'm thankful that I've learned that providing this meal was more about serving and glorifying the Lord than it was about making sure the W family was able to eat dinner.