The last Sunday of 2012

I went to church today.  You might be thinking, "So what?  Today's Sunday; don't you go to church every Sunday?"

Well, yes and no.  I listen to church on the internet almost every Sunday.  I even listen to my own church's service which is broadcast over the internet, courtesy of the Christian college that is right across the street from the sanctuary building.  What I don't usually do is get up, take a shower, get dressed, and physically go to the sanctuary of my church for worship. 

There are several good and valid reasons why I worship via my computer.  And there are also some relatively lame reasons why I don't get up and haul my body into a pew.  I struggle with the tension between worshiping in person with the body of Christ (as one of the sermon series from this fall told me I should) and the comfort and peacefulness of worshiping in solitude.  This struggle is nothing new, but it has intensified as of late.

The sermon this morning was excellent.  While I enjoyed singing hymns and carols and the other aspects of corporate worship, I missed being able to take notes on my computer as I do when I'm at home.

Unlike Christmas Eve, when I all but sobbed during the service (especially during the music), today I was somewhat in control of my emotions.  There were several times when I had to stop singing or I chose to whisper or mouth the words to the songs rather than singing them out loud.

I wish I was able to keep my mind from wandering during the hymns.  I wish I could sing the words and not think too much about what they mean.  When my mind strays or I think too much, that's when the teary trouble begins.

This morning I thought about P, M's friend who committed suicide two weeks ago . . . two weeks ago today, on a Sunday morning . . . nine days before Christmas.  I thought about P's parents.  Were they in church this morning?  Were they able to sing and voice the responses of the Catholic liturgy?  Did tears stream down P's father's cheeks as he knelt to pray or received the Eucharist?  And what about P -- was he singing praises to God, worshiping in the very presence of Christ the Redeemer?  Oh, I pray that he was and that he will forever do so.