Sorrow and Hope

Just like everyone else, I have good days and bad days.  Sometimes I even have bad weeks.

This has been a bad week.  A very bad week.

I had the house to myself for four full days and I wasn't able to accomplish much beside cleaning both toilets and doing the dishes a few hours before my husband came home from his business trip.  Most nights I stayed up till four in the morning and then struggled to get out of bed before noon.  I did complete my Bible lesson and even managed to go to to the study on Wednesday night.  But most of the week I was enveloped in a cloud of depression and sorrow.

On Tuesday I read about an HC freshman who died Monday evening.  He was walking along the railroad tracks that border the eastern edge of campus when he was struck by a freight train.

I am very familiar with those train tracks.  I warned E many times to be careful crossing the tracks when she walked or rode her bike to N's cottage or the indoor tennis complex.  In my overly protective mother's mind, it seemed irresponsible to have railroad tracks so close to a college campus filled with barely adult students who were often reckless because they still thought they were invincible, impervious to danger or death.

I don't know the details of this student's death beyond what's been reported in the newspapers.  It was almost nine o'clock at night, so it would have been dark.  The engineer saw the student and tried to stop the train in time, but he couldn't.  Because it's a residential area, the trains move fairly slowly.  It's hard to believe that the student didn't hear the train, the horn, or the bell on one of the crossing gates.  Even with his back to the train I can't imagine he couldn't see the headlight as the train approached.  The engineer said the student was walking, and then he stopped.

Why did he stop?  Why was he there in the first place?  This boy's dorm was three to four blocks west of the tracks.  The closest campus buildings to where he was struck are the Art Center and the Fieldhouse.  It seems unlikely that he had a night class at either of those venues and yet, if he did, there should have been other students walking in the same area, heading back to their dorms and cottages when class let out.  But the only eye witness to the accident that I'm aware of was the railroad engineer.

I hope I'm wrong, but it seems possible that this student chose to end his life.  If that's the case, I can't imagine what was going on that made death preferable to life.  Everything I read in the papers indicated that this kid was a good student, a great friend and teammate, a leader, a person with the determination to be successful at whatever he set his mind to accomplish, and an individual who was comfortable enough with who he was that he didn't feel pressured to fit a mold that his peers or society might prescribe for him.

This boy was eighteen.  He had been at HC for just two months.  Today his family buried him.

I have walked along side a child who has expressed the desire to end her life.  I look back on those times and fear still grips my heart because I can't be sure that she has left that darkness behind.  I wonder if the next disappointment will trigger those destructive feelings again and I feel helpless to help her navigate the landmines that litter her life.

Did this boy's family have any inkling that something might be wrong?  Or was his death truly just a horrible accident?  I doubt I'll ever know.

Dear Lord, you know this young man.  You knit him together in his mother's womb and entrusted him to his family for, in our perception, a too brief eighteen years.  I pray that he is now at peace in your presence.  Father hold his family close as they grieve.  May your heavenly angels, as well as the saints here on earth, surround this family with compassion and love.  I pray especially for his roommate, friends, and cousin at HC.  Help them to reach out to campus ministries and HC counseling staff.  May your Spirit, which filled the chapel to overflowing on Tuesday morning, continue to rest in every heart and mind on campus as HC mourns the death of their student and friend.