On the outside looking in

That pretty much describes how I've felt most of my life.  It definitely describes high school and college.

I hoped that when I entered the "real world" the situation would change, but in many ways it hasn't.  When I was working, I had friends and, for the most part, I felt as if I fit in . . . but really, I didn't.

Saturday we celebrated Easter at my in-laws.  As an aside, it's a lie to say that we celebrated Easter because there wasn't any Easter -- no mention or reverence for the crucifixion, death, and resurrection of Jesus -- to it.  What we really did was get together and eat a mediocre meal and sort of talk to one another.  As families go, we're so lame we don't even put the fun in dysfunctional.  : // 

You would think if I would feel like I belonged anywhere, it would be with family.  You would be wrong.

The day was a disaster.  My husband didn't want to be there, although he did behave himself.  E, N, and M came over from West Lafayette and K was there too.  All of my immediate family were there; that should have been a plus.  Wrong again.

My MIL is 79 and not in great health.  She really is too old to fix a big meal for a large group (there were 13 of us).  When we arrived she was working on appetizers with one of my SILs.  It wasn't going very well.  I stepped in to see how I could help.  My children plopped down on the sofa and chatted amongst themselves.  Almost two hours later, when dinner was ready, I emerged from the kitchen.

My in-laws had set up two tables for dinner: the one in the living room was set very snugly for five; the larger table in the dining room was set for eight.  My husband and kids filled up the table for five, so that meant I had to sit at the dining room table with the in-laws.

Nothing against my in-laws -- mother, step-father, sisters, brother, nephew and niece, but I really wanted to sit with my kids.  I don't get to see E, N, and M very often and this was my only chance to talk with them as they were heading back to Indiana as soon as dinner was finished. 

So I sat at the dining room table and made conversation with everyone else.  I could faintly hear the conversation at my family's table, but I couldn't hear everything and I certainly couldn't participate without yelling across the room.  I was definitely on the outside of their fellowship, looking in and wishing that I could join in.

I would like to be able to say I was an adult about the situation, but I can't, because I wasn't.  I was pouty and ticked off and I felt sorry for myself because I got stuck slaving away in the kitchen while my children (who must have been raised by wolves) never offered to help.  My youngest SIL claimed that the other SIL offered to help out, but I didn't hear her.  By the time she and her family showed up (1 1/2 hours late) the work was pretty much finished anyway.

When I hugged M and told her good-bye, I said it didn't even feel like she had been home because I hadn't even had a chance to talk to her.  She just sort of shrugged.  E didn't seem to feel that it was a big deal either.  She said she would call me the next day and we could talk then.

Just as on other occasions, I guess being together, sharing a meal, and talking means more to me than it does to my husband and kids.  If I feel like I'm on the outside looking in, I can't really blame it on anyone else.  It must be my fault.