My small group got together for lunch this afternoon at our younger leader's apartment. We had a potluck luncheon, so we all brought something to share. I made lasagna. It was yummy. : )
It was nice to see everyone outside of the Wednesday evening Bible study. Once our study time is over, it's after 8:00 and most women need to get home to their families. That doesn't leave much of an opportunity to linger over conversation. Today we had time to get to know each other better.
At the end of the party one of the women, K, shared with me and the leader that her husband was pressuring her to stop home-schooling their son and return to work. She has a law degree, so she would probably be able to bring in a significant income. K said that they are more than able to live comfortably off her husband's salary, but her husband wants more. More money for more possessions and, even though she didn't say it, he probably believes, more security.
Listening to K talk about the struggle she has wanting to work through this issue with her husband, I couldn't help but remember and mentally compare when G pressured me to quit working so we would be able to have more family time. I resisted, partly because I liked my job, partly because a significant chunk of my identity was linked to my job, partly because I can be pretty stubborn, and partly because I liked being able to put my paycheck into my savings account every two weeks.
I didn't realize it at the time, but I definitely viewed the money I earned as a security blanket. For awhile my paychecks helped to pay off a car loan, but once the loan was satisfied, the savings account balance continued to grow until it reached a fairly impressive total. Occasionally G would want to use some of "my" money to cover an unexpected expense, and I am embarrassed to admit that I was less than agreeable. He had never withheld any of the money that he earned from me -- who was I to think that the money I earned was mine and mine alone?
But the bigger issue, the spiritual issue, was that I was clinging to this money. Not just withholding it from G, but also withholding it from the Lord. Even though I knew that the money ultimately belonged to God -- after all, He was the one who had enabled me to earn it -- I still foolishly looked at it as mine. And worse still, I put more value on the security that the money represented to me than I did in the unshakable security that God has given me in Christ Jesus. The Lord has promised to faithfully and abundantly provide for my every need; I could never depend on a finite amount of money to do the same.
I wish I could say that that revelation cleared up my misplaced trust, but I continue to struggle with looking to earthly, temporal means to provide the security that only the Lord offers. But at least my eyes were opened and God helped and continues to help me to see my sin in not trusting Him fully. I hope that He will do the same for K's husband.
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